September 30, 2003


How mad have you ever been? Has your anger towards something ever increased so rapidly that the tone of your voice changes drastically between two words? Has this anger ever caused you to wish bad things not on a person but that person's family? Have you ever wanted to see that person when he learned of tragic news just so you could laugh in that person's face?

I was in the middle of just such a seething rage against a certain class and a certain professor when I suddenly realized the extent of what I wanted to happen to this person. I was wishing things against this prof that were so horrible that I am ashamed of myself for even thinking them. I am not going to give examples of those wishes because I am deeply ashamed of them. This feeling of shame is not helped by the realization that all of my problems in the class are really my own fault.

If I am upset about something, most of the time I will let people know about it. However, I am the type of person that when I am absolutely enraged about something I become extremely quiet and I sort of zone out. This is how you can tell if I am upset about something or if I am literally wanting to kill someone. I once sat and stared at a wall in my room for hours after the most aggravating day of high school I ever had. Some people yell, scream, or want to hit things when they are enraged. I just stay still and stew in it. I was once accused of savoring my anger, but I don't think I do that.

It isn't the big things that can send me off into one of these paralyzing rages. It is always a combination of small things, and it is always the "straw that broke the camel's back" that gets the majority of my anger. Thus, my anger was directed towards University Physics II and the creator of the CAPA problems.

Why have I been getting so angry lately? I don't understand it. It is as if every single ounce of patience that I had for other people has been drained out of me somehow. Maybe I've just been too stressed lately.

Posted by Randy at 08:07 PM

September 26, 2003

More "Christian" T-shirts

Yet another "Christian t-shirt" saying:

Front--"Friends don't let friends go to Hell."
Back--"Sin Kills."

And from a discussion on Christian bookstores:

Floormate--"I go to a Christian bookstore and they had one C. S. Lewis and no Francis Schaefer. I go to a secular bookstore and they have practically all of both. Which one am I going to shop at?"
Me--"Well you don't go to a Christian bookstore looking for real books."

In the words of the same floormate above, "I hate the Christian subculture."

Posted by Randy at 11:56 AM

September 24, 2003

"Christian" T-shirts

I have discovered that I have an increasing dislike of "Christian" slogans and puns on signs and t-shirts. You know what I'm talking about. Want examples?

"The only vitamin a Christian needs is B1."
"A ch ch just isn't a church unless UR in it."
"Be the Moon. Reflect the Son."
"Free trip to Heaven. Details inside."
"Want to avoid burning? Use Son-screen."

Every single one of these made me want to find the person who created it and just beat him or her into a pulp. These phrases are not "cute" or "funny." I find them repulsive.

What are the point of these things? Are they supposed to keep Christian morale up? Are they supposed to attract people who aren't Christians to a church? What?

I find it extremely hard to respect the views of people who use "cute little sayings" consistently. If I wasn't a Christian and I was bombarded with these little phrases, I would not want to be with the people spouting them. My thoughts about the subject would be something along the lines of: "What a bunch of morons. I am so happy I don't have to deal with those people every day."

Posted by Randy at 11:59 AM

September 23, 2003


I don't know what has happened with me. It seems that this year it is becoming increasingly easier to make me mad.

Here is a list of a few recent things that have upset me:

1. A person walks into my room, stands behind me as I play a game on my computer, and begins to belittle a game I enjoy. Continuously.
2. I'm doing homework. A person walks into my room and talks loudly with my roomate. Eventually getting bad enough that I have to leave my room to do my work even after asking him to be quiet.
3. Morons who walk by and occasionally slam the door to my room.
4. People who are patronizing and condescending.
5. People who are loud and obnoxious and enjoy being loud and obnoxious.
6. People who blame anything bad about their personality on ADD or ADHD.

This could easily be lengthened, but I don't want to do that.

So, I guess my question is simply has it just become easier to make me pissed off or are there just an increasingly high number of assholes in the world?

Posted by Randy at 10:39 PM

September 19, 2003

Why Do I Do This?

Right now, I feel like my academic life is one huge mess. Physics II, Circuits I, Human Anatomy & Physiology, and Only Inklings have enough homework (or memory work) combined that I back myself into a huge corner every week and begin almost every week with a mad homework dash.

Why do I do this to myself? I have the time to do the homework if I would just spread it out. But I don't. I waste time and procrastinate until I have six Circuits problems, a handwritten Physics assignment, electronic Physics assignments, around a hundred pages of different books to read, and several charts/tables/figures/whatever to memorize for Monday and Tuesday.

And if that isn't enough, I've also got tests, quizzes, etc. Most of these I don't do as well on because I do the homework in a mad rush.

This weekend I am determined to spread that homework load out. This weekend I am determined to not go crazy in order to complete homework.

Posted by Randy at 01:11 AM

September 16, 2003

School Crap

Time for a general update:

After cramming last night and this morning for a test in Human Anatomy and Physiology, I have discovered that the tests (or at least this one) in the class are easier than the quizzes in the lab. I find that a bit screwed up since we have a quiz every week and four practical exams in the lab. We only have seven class tests and a final.

I have a Physics II test on Thursday that I need to start preparing for. Considering my current track record with Physics II, I am not expecting to do very well on the test. I will be elated if I get a C on it.

I haven't heard anything about tests in Circuits or Differential Equations, but I'm sure they have to be coming up soon.

Also, if you have noticed the new link over on the left side of your screen, I suggest going to it. It belongs to an Escaped Code Monkey who disguises himself as my roommate. His blog is new and very entertaining.

That's all for now. Until next time...

Posted by Randy at 12:49 PM

September 12, 2003

Tragic Anniversary

I just realized what yesterday was. Yes, I know it was the second anniversary of [sad and overly dramatic music] 9/11 [/ music]. But it was also something else.

Yesterday marked six months since the date of my sister's death. Half a year. I can't believe that it has already been half a year since my sister died. It seems like just last week I went home for her funeral.

I am starting to believe that time never passes slowly. I can remember when I was in the audience of a high school graduation my freshman year of high school and I thought that I would never get out of that place. Now I am a sophomore in college and I know that in just a few short years I will graduate from this place (or another college, no one can predict the future), move away from the friends I have made, and, seemingly, start building relationships all over again.

You can try to put a positive spin on that fact. You can say everything from how a person is affected by the people he or she builds relationships with and vice versa to how, if nothing else, making friends simply makes the time you spend here enjoyable. But in all honesty, knowing that friends will be leaving me practically every semester (not yet, but soon) and I will eventually be leaving a good number of friends behind is very depressing.

And yes, I know that I can still contact friends in email, etc. However, we all know that writing an email or talking on the phone to a friend is not the same as living with them on the same floor, eating with them almost daily, or piling into a vehicle to go to Wal-Mart.

Posted by Randy at 11:49 AM

September 10, 2003

My Family

My grandparents are going to be coming up to Longview this evening to take me out to eat. I love my grandparents. I love all of my family. Really, I do.

But all of them can be annoying as hell. I hate listening to my grandmother and aunt gripe and snap at each other behind the other's back. I'm sick of the gossip, the whispering, and the confiding. I am sick of hearing all sorts of racist remarks and I am tired of being quiet about my objections to them just to keep the peace. I'm tired of listening to everyone judge everyone else. I'm tired of being the person family members come to in order to rant about something.

I seem to constantly want to get away from my family. When I finally do I start feeling guilty for staying away so long because they want to spend more time with me because of my sister's death.

It's all just one big circle that is going to drive me insane when I add a large amount of homework to it.

Posted by Randy at 05:23 PM

September 09, 2003


Between homework and CAPA problems for Physics II, daily homework for Circuits I, and memorizing figures, tables, and charts for Human Anatomy and Physiology, I think my brain is going to explode.

Posted by Randy at 05:25 PM

September 08, 2003

Family Birthdays

This has been a busy, busy, busy week. It was hideous. I've had a huge amount of homework (which I still haven't completed, but I'm tired of it now), a large amount of floor stuff, and I've taken a trip home. There was also Longview Blitz. Not really worth talking about except to say that I painted some and was able to stay away from a dirty, filthy attic.

The reason I went home was because my aunt was having a little family get-together to celebrate the birthdays of my father, mother, and uncle. It wasn't until I got to my aunt's house and saw the little stack of cards that were going to be distributed to the birthday trio that I realized this would be the first birthday in several years that my parents would not be receiving some kind of home-made birthday card from my sister. I am quite certain that my mother knew this because she looked close to tears on several short occasions, but even if she needed to cry she held back the tears (at least while she was at my aunt's house). This trip made it very clear to me that my parents are still having difficulty concerning my sister's death (I know my mother is and I think my father is simply better at hiding it). I want to help them, somehow. But I don't think I can just go up to them and ask, "So, how are taking Jessica's death?" This desire to help but inability to do so makes me feel slightly nervous around them and I force myself to be slightly more upbeat that usual.

I really don't know anything else I can do for them except go home when I am able and pray.

Posted by Randy at 01:32 AM

September 01, 2003


As I was sitting on the floor next to the side wall of the assembly building during chapel today, I took my spiral notebook out of my backpack and wrote down my thoughts. I will share them and then add to them.

What I wrote during chapel (slightly edited):
"Ok, so after waiting in line for over five minutes to scan in my card for the 'new and improved' way to get chapel credit, I walk into the assembly building and discover that the short worship section of chapel had already started. Naturally, since I arrived so 'late' from Circuits to get in line for chapel I could not find an open seat anywhere near me. So I went and leaned against the wall, waiting until the two remaining worship songs concluded. Dr. Carl then started his chapel by sharing a 'totally unrelated' list he thought was funny. (Loose quote) 'If a person's excuses about not going to church--or chapel [insert glare at audience]--were applied to other things.' His actual chapel is yet another rendition of the 'fruitful vine' service. If you have heard it once you have heard it a thousand times. I don't yet know how the line to leave chapel will look like, but it should at least be interesting."

What I want to add:
The line to get out of chapel was as long time-wise (for me anyway) as the one to get in it. I'm still not sure how that worked out since I was sitting in the back this time. I really hope that they get better at this and that Circuits will be dismissed a bit earlier than it has been recently. I don't like sitting on concrete.

Posted by Randy at 05:46 PM