May 11, 2007

The Heavens Ordain

So it would seem that I am predestined to return to blogging this week, as there are news stories hitting which I simply couldn't conceive of ignoring. The stars have aligned, and the skies have given forth madness. Behold the works of fate and the madness of man:

You're Illegally Not Using Our Product!

Now this is a little bit complicated, so bear with me. When you transmit music or video over the internet in real-time, you use something called a data stream so that people can watch it as it "streams in"... many of you have probably heard of "streaming technology" before. One of the down-sides of this is that, with the correct technology, it's fairly trivial to rip copy protection off of streamed content unless it's encrypted. Of course, the difficulty of getting this software and using it prevents most people from doing that, but it is possible.

Now, this is where Media Rights Technologies comes in. According to them, because their software can be used to encrypt these data streams and people aren't using it, those people aren't doing everything they can to stop copyright infringement and are thus in violation of the DMCA, and MRTA is suing these companies to get them to comply... by buying MRTA's software. The part where this gets really fun is that some of the companies that MRTA is planning to sue include CNN and NPR, who own almost all, if not all of the content they distribute. That's right, MRTA is going to sue these companies for not protecting their own content with MRTA's software.

Showdown at the Pops

In between the first notes of a medley from "Gigi" and the performance by Ben Folds, the unannounced percussion of thrown chairs eminated from an upper balcony at Boston's Symphony Hall, home of the Boston Pops. Conductor Keith Lockhart stopped the performance and the audience looked on as two men brawled, ripping shirts and crashing into chairs as a crowd looked on. Eventually, security made it to the brawling men, they were removed and the concert resumed. No word yet on the response of the performers or of the fate of the nutjobs, who apparently started fighting when one asked the other to quiet down.

Beaver 2.0

And from the far reaches of the high culture, we return to Geek Nirvana, where taxidermy has met with the more modern scientists. Because apparently, bored taxidermist + computer modder + dead beaver = BEAVER WITH A COMPUTER INSIDE. Just wow... really. The only thing crazier than that would be a baby going head-to-head...

Beyond Bizarre

Words fail me... really.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 11:15 AM | TrackBack

January 15, 2007

All the News

... that probably wasn't fit to print. But it's sure funny.

Plow:1 Old Lady:0 City of Denver:$150

Apparently, in Denver, it is against the law to fail to clear your sidewalks within 24 hours of them being covered... a crime punishable by a $150 fine the first time and $500 for repeat offenses.

What if you're a little old lady and can't shovel your sidewalk on your own? Better hire help.

What if you've already hired help and the plows pushed more snow on your sidewalks?
Oops. 24 hours... or else.

"Hold it for Just a Few More Miles"

Apparently radio people at a station in Sacramento thought it would be a good idea to get some contestants, give them water and see who could hold it in for the longest. The winner gets a Nintendo Wii. The name of this charming contest? “Hold your wee for a Wii.”

It's all good... until SOMEBODY DIES. There's some good PR.

Did you know that you could die of water poisoning? I didn't.

Tasers FTW

Last but not least is this little gem which notes that giving stun guns to Houston police seems to not have had the desired effect: namely that police use their deadly guns less likely in favor of the stun-guns?

The actual effect? Well... normal shootings are following pre-existing trends but stun-gun shootings are sharply on the rise. Oh... and get this: Houston police officers have used Tasers more than 1,000 times in the past two years. But in 95 percent of those cases, they were not used to defuse situations in which suspects wielded weapons and deadly force clearly would have been justified. Oh... and in over 350 of those, no suspect was charged. That's right... over 1/3 of the time, Houston police officers are tasering people who aren't breaking any laws. That's just awesome.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 03:18 PM | TrackBack

January 14, 2007

Why Do Scientists Hate America?

Did you know that scientists who want to convert the country to metric actually hate America and Freedom? SI is for pussies and Europeans... stick with the American tradition of English measurement.

Compulsory metrication is undemocratic. Who ever asked you if you wanted the metric system? Our traditional, customary American weights and measures are units that we know and use easily. Miles, feet, gallons, quarts etc. are units that we are comfortable with. They are part of our heritage. Metrication will not only destroy part of our cultural inheritance, it will mean that a large percentage of Americans will be cut off from understanding measurement. The metric system is already creeping into the USA. Our way of measuring is under threat by Europeans.... fight back!

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 09:28 PM | TrackBack

January 09, 2007

No More Idiots

Just so you know, the word "idiot" may be cut from the New Jersey Constitution due to its status as "outdated, vague, offensive to many and may be subject to misinterpretation." As of right now New Jersey doesn't allow idiots to vote... and I find it peculiar that anyone is lobbying for a reversal of that policy. But that's just me.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 09:21 AM | TrackBack

November 13, 2006

Lead-Up to The Big Game

As many of you know, I am from Ohio... and at this time of year, that origin gives me a certain amount of responsibility with regards to spreading disdain for Michigan and awaiting the Big Game. This becomes especially important in years such as this one. I will explain all of that in further installments, and for now I leave you with some perspective.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 11:13 AM | TrackBack

November 07, 2006

Get Out And Vote

Seriously. If you haven't voted yet, get out there and get to it.

I believe that this public service announcement is the first I've made in a while, so I've got some other public services to offer. Namely, as Thanksgiving approaches and the hunters among us go out to hunt, check out Season Shot. It truly boggles the mind.

Oh, and lastly... vote Kinky. Why the Hell Not?

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 08:38 AM | TrackBack

June 13, 2006

Last for the Day

And since I'm on a roll, I think this gives a whole new and unpleasant mental image to the term drive-through.

Yes, this is also a warped link. Caveat emptor.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 02:58 PM | TrackBack


I would point out that this is an official Warped Link. That said, the first person to correctly analyze this link and determine what NSFA means will win a prize.

Now, I will repeat this warning for those of you who have never been privvy to a warped link: these are things that are not suited for the weak of mind or stomach. If you are easily disturbed or grossed-out, do not click on the above link. Or if you already did, I wish I could say I'm sorry... but I'm not really.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 02:54 PM | TrackBack

March 07, 2006

Hooked On a Feeling

Strange. Psychedelic. Straight out of the 80's. Wants to warp your mind. Watch it now. Sent to us courtesy of Wilson.

It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 11:12 AM | TrackBack

September 18, 2005

My Friend Jason

When I lived in New York, I met and befriended a guy named Jason. Jason always wanted to be a pilot and while I was starting high school in Ohio, he started taking classes to get his private pilot's license, in addition to his normal high school stuff.

Several years later, I went off to LeTourneau... and I tried talking him into coming, but he raised the valid point that LU is expensive as crap. So, he went to Embry Riddel and got all sorts of licenses, graduating a year before I did (though, he IS a year older and all.)

Anyways, due to an incident that happened on Friday, he's getting his 15 minutes. All I can say is it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy and I'm just glad he's ok, and hopefully enjoying his bit o' limelight.

I would like to note that this is the first of my friends to ever get noted in one of my warped links. Isn't that sweet?

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 09:39 PM | TrackBack

June 30, 2005

"...He was Hazardous Material"

Yeah... so this article is work-safe but probably not something you want children reading.

I don't even know where to begin except that an insanity plea is a must. I mean... I don't even know... that's just messed up. Way too messed up...

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 02:55 PM | TrackBack

June 20, 2005

Just Wrong

A very misguided boy got loose in his neighborhood and did a decent variety of sick things. This is a news article whose subject matter is not family-friendly... nor is it even amusing. I'm more or less posting this as a complaint that the article spends 75% of the time whining about a dog, when there are two other human victims who are virtually ignored. In light of the people, who cares about the dog?!

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 01:07 PM | TrackBack

June 13, 2005

By Way of Apology

Because some of you have clearly been missing my presence on the internet, I have seen fit to restore myself to your good graces in an especially poignant way. Namely, I have gone and found the most screwed-up and samely family-friendly link that I have seen in months. It's actually a pair of related links.

First, I want you to read about a Wiccan marriage ceremony known as a "hand-fasting" and not just any hand-fasting at that. Nextly, I want you to read about the particular ceremony that was performed at this wedding, along with a lot of other tid-bits of lore.

...go read before we continue...

Yes, that's right... he marries people to their horses! And not only does he do this casually, he has gone to the lengths of making up an ENTIRE marriage ceremony with which to perform this rite of marriage to one's horse.

The funniest part here to me is in the actual ceremony, where the officiant asks the horse if he/she wants to continue on in the hand-fasting. Presumably, the horse needs to want this as much as the human participant:

The Priest(ess) lays her hand on the mare's mane and whispers : "{BRIDE}. Beside you stands {GROOM}. He has promised before the Horse Goddess and the Horned God to protect and keep you as his partner in love and herdmate. If you so desire this then shall be. If you do not so wish then you may leave him. May Epona carry this words to you and in your heart may you so choose your path." The priest withdraws a step to allow the bride to make her decision. If she stays the ritual continues.

*stammers* I don't really know what else to say...

Catherine the Great, eat your heart out. Crazy limeys.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 07:11 PM | TrackBack

April 24, 2005

What's for Dinner?

I have to thank my good friend Charlie for sending me this gem. Not sure who I should buy one for, but it obviously needs to be purchased for someone.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 11:52 PM | TrackBack

April 20, 2005

Excuse Me Ma'am

... but your skirt is ringing. (link is rated PG for anatomical references)

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 12:05 AM | TrackBack

April 12, 2005

Speaking of Sex

For those of you parents who have had to give the sex ed talk and for those of you who have been on the receiving end of an uncomfortable attempt at sex ed, this comic is for you. I guess it also works for anyone who knew the kid in elementary school who knew far too much about sex. Warning: it's probably PG-13.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 12:04 AM | TrackBack

April 11, 2005


Being as that marriage is less than 4 weeks away, Anna and I have been reading a book on sex called Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat and his wife Gaye. That's really not the important part, except that the book discussed spermicide (which I think is a horrible word), condoms and sexually transmitted diseases (this is just to name a few things and really doesn't even characterize the book, but I needed these topics to justify my train of thought.) That first topic gave me the title for this post and the second two topics got me thinking about a game that an old friend Kevin Baba had found back when he lived next door to me on 1B.

Armed with a condom gun and stationed inside a... well... where would you be if you were trying to prevent sperm and virii from getting past you? Anyways, Catch the Sperm 2 is an entertaining way to spend 10 minutes and will surely disturb your roommates. It's also an excellent little promotional for condoms, if you're into that sort of thing, produced by the Swedish game developer Phenomedia.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 11:30 PM | TrackBack

April 09, 2005

Town Drunk

Do you think your town has a crazy drunk? You've obviously never heard of Henry Earl of Lexington, Kentucky. That's right, Henry Earl is the world-wide champion drunk with 803 arrests for public drunkenness. He has some fan sites and even a song named after him. To see if Henry Earl is currently incarcerated and to get some stats and random mugshots, click here.

I had forgotten how much worse Kentucky is than anywhere else in the U.S.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 11:49 AM | TrackBack

January 30, 2005

Europeans Gone Wild

This policy is enough to offend even my humble sensibilities (thanks, Wilson.)

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 11:13 PM | TrackBack

January 19, 2005

The Weekend is Coming

Here it is Wednesday evening and I am happily looking forward to the weekend for two reasons:

1) We're going to be ponding Paige for her birthday on Friday... regardless of the temperature or how many people she musters to her defense.
2) Friday is now an especially significant day of the week (warning: not family-friendly)

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 07:25 PM | TrackBack

January 08, 2005

Cheerleader Toss

If you love the thought of sadistically throwing cheerleaders at basketball hoops and out of windows, this site is for you. This warped link is rated PG for use of the words "underwear" and "dweeb."

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 04:56 PM | TrackBack

December 08, 2004

Craving the Warpedness

A Desperate Guatemalan in Search of "Real Ultimate Power"

So apparently my roommate was astonished that the warped link I had shared with him wasn't yet posted. As he put it, "WHY isn't it on your blog? I need it!"

Another addict joins my happy distribution chain.

So without further ado, I bring you Real Ultimate Power - the bound and printed edition. Ninjas, on paper, flipping out and killing things. Go Robert Hamburger!

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 09:24 PM | TrackBack

November 26, 2004

13-Year Old Kidnapper

This news story is just jacked up. A 13-year old kid in Virginia abducted a stripper. What the crap?!?

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 01:02 PM | TrackBack

November 21, 2004

Llama Song

Courtesy of Scott and Fleetman, I bring you the first warped link (oddly: clean and family-friendly) in quite a while.

Check out the wholesome goodness of The Llama Song.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 09:35 PM | TrackBack

November 01, 2004

Cobra Commander '04

Wouldn't you vote Cobra Commander? (family-friendly flash cartoon)

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 03:40 PM | TrackBack

October 24, 2004

September 26, 2004

Got Ring Tone?

You can thank Wheeler for forwarding me the link to this gem of a story. It's like the pills only cheaper. Only in Japan...

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 08:34 AM | TrackBack

September 21, 2004

Panty Raiders

Kind of an old concept in reverse. Instead of sneaking in and running off with unmentionables, these people are apparently sneaking in with unmentionables. Safe for work and even family-friendly.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 09:21 PM | TrackBack

September 17, 2004


Trailers for a demented movie. Warning: this is a rather messed-up R-rated movie... view at your own risk.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 03:56 PM | TrackBack

August 28, 2004

Real Estate Porn

This warped link features animals copulating. View at your own discretion... but it's easily work-safe. Quite entertaining.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 11:24 PM | TrackBack

August 22, 2004

You're In Control

I would like to thank eliot for providing the link to this family-friendly warped link. Male gamers, rejoice!

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 01:30 AM | TrackBack

July 24, 2004

Terrorizing Telemarketers

The things that people with too much time on their hands do to telemarketers who call...

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 04:35 PM | TrackBack

July 23, 2004

Just Pass Water...

... even dirty water or piss will do to make these dehydrated meals edible.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 11:33 PM | TrackBack

Military Perks

Just in case you're female and thinking about joining the military... here's another good reason for some of you.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 09:45 AM | TrackBack

July 10, 2004

Bonjour Monsieur

Very warped flash animation in French...

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 11:27 PM | TrackBack

July 07, 2004

Pee Standing Up

Attention women: do you want to pee standing up too? I've found a tutorial which might tell you how. I was rather disturbed by it and didn't really read it, don't know if it works, and honestly don't want to. So why don't one of you go look it over and tell me what you think.

note: I believe that this is the first time that my warped link has disturbed me... thanks Jared.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 09:55 AM | TrackBack

Advertising Outtakes

I'm going to warn you... this will offend most of you. View at your own risk: the Winnebago Man.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 09:46 AM | TrackBack

June 30, 2004

For the Truly Desperate

Wow... just... wow...

I was reading Something Positive and the author linked up this job listing for Video Phone Sex Tech Support at Ask the Tech Girl.

Can we say messed up?

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 09:18 AM | TrackBack

June 28, 2004

My Little Porny

We can thank Jared for passing along this little gem of a quiz.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 09:44 AM | TrackBack

June 16, 2004

Term of Endearment?

I've never known the term c*nt to be used as a term of endearment, but apparently the University of Colorado President Elizabeth Hoffman has (thanks Wheeler.)

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 04:27 PM | TrackBack

June 14, 2004

Satanic Harry Potter

Want to know just how to justify a claim to Harry Potter being Satanic and Christian leaders like Colson and Dobson being sell-outs? Just read about it here.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 10:59 PM | TrackBack