April 16, 2010

My Money's Worth

You know how most people had at least the occasional meal of bologna sandwiches and Koolaid during the summer when they were kids? It's like the All-American lunch. Except for me, because my mom was a health-food nut who wanted us to eat good, wholesome food. We weren't even allowed to have cereal with sugar in it like Frosted Mini-Wheats until I was in high school. So I kind of have this secret love of Koolaid and bologna, precisely because I was the only kid who had good healthy sandwiches and stuff.*

Anyways, the point is that I was looking out the window the other day and I noticed the neighbor kids were selling Koolaid. And here I thought, "man, that would be sweet!" and so I got a dollar worth of change (sometimes these kids can be real scalpers) and went to see how much Koolaid my modest fortune would buy. Lo and behold, $.50 bought me a whole Dixie Cup of standard-issue red Koolaid. And I stood there, surveying all that my riches had procured me and I sipped gratefully from my Dixie Cup...

And proceeded to spit it all over the street in front of the Koolaid Stand.

"Did you kids put sugar in this Koolaid?!"

At this point, the three fourth-graders looked askance at each other while the 7th-grade older brother of one of the kids laughed at them. Of course, not to be outdone, they all three attempted to blame the Kindergartener. And I wasn't going to let them get away with that.

"You mean to tell me that three 4th-graders can't figure out how to make Koolaid?! Maybe you SHOULD have left the Kindergartener in charge!"

Of course, at this point, I decided that this swill wasn't worth drinking without some sugar. "Alright guys, get me some sugar or I want my money back!"

"No way, man!" "Yeah, no way! All sales are FINAL!!" "Oh yeah, FINAL!"

Even the kindergartener got in on the action. "FINAL!!!"

Do I look like I'm going to get pushed over by a bunch of elementary school kids?!

"Last chance, guys... or I'm going to drive away all of your business."

"You couldn't do that!"

Just watch me. You see, I had some signs that my neighbors (the parents of these very same fraudsters) had placed in my yard to encourage people to honk at my house to celebrate my new daughter. In fact, two strips of duct tape and a cut-up box later and I had myself a little protest sign.

And so I marched back outside and picketed the Koolaid stand that had ripped me off with a sign that read "This Koolaid Sucks!" That's right, I was picketing a kids' Koolaid stand. You've met me, right?

Of course, the kids were livid. "You can't do that!" "Yeah! This is private property!" "I'm gonna go tell on you."

I reiterated my demands: "I want a proper glass of Koolaid or a refund, take your pick."

"We're not doing that!"

"Very well then, the protest continues." And so I walked up and down the street in front of their stand for about a minute while two of them ran off to tell on me. Unfortunately for them, my neighbors thought this was hilarious. Yeah, that's right, my neighbors are awesome.

When they returned defeated, they had an offer for me. "If you stop protesting, we'll give you a new glass of Koolaid."

"I believe that's what I've been offering... so let's see the glass."

At this point, one of the less ethical ones piped up, "You need to pay us another quarter."

"You little thieves, I'm pretty sure you're not even paying for the freaking Koolaid, the sugar or the water!"


I hefted my sign as if to return to my appointed rounds and they finally capitulated and filled me up a new Dixie Cup. And so it was with pride in my heart and Koolaid in my belly that I returned my sign to my garage, where it awaits another dishonest sales pitch in the neighboring front yard.

And to be fair, given that they're not quite bright enough to make Koolaid, I can't help but think that another unintentional scam is on the horizon. I just hope they don't try to make something tricky like lemonade.

*That said, my mom never bought us American Cheese, and I thank her for that. I mean, why would you want to eat plastic cheese?! It tastes like plastic!

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at April 16, 2010 11:06 PM | TrackBack