April 28, 2003

"Oh the Places You'll Go!"

"Oh the places you'll go, oh the people you'll meet..." - Dr Seuss

Last night a group of friends and I went to the Waffle Shoppes, as we frequently do on Saturday nights. Because we were dragging the graduating Flooders along as the last time we'll get to do that with the two of them, we went at 1am -- bit earlier than the 3 am or so that we usually go at. Breakfast was good as it usually is, albeit with a slightly incompetent and retarded waitress... at least until one of the most interesting drunks I ever had the displeasure of meeting showed up.

It was right about 2:30 and all sorts of people were showing up as the bars let out. Right as we were about to leave, a quasi-attractive wench tottered up on the arm of an old guy with a grand total of three teeth... three blackened teeth. And then she started talking, and any doubts as to her inebriation vanished. Her ice-breaker of "Are you guys heterosexual?" managed to amuse us all, along with increasing the blood alcohol level of anyone unfortunate enough to get a whiff of her breath. The conversation continued mostly as a series of noncommital grunts on our part and ineffectual, terse efforts aimed at getting her to go away.

For her part, she held up her end of the discussion something like this, holding to the solid rule of drunken conversation that when you doubt if you're making sense, add copious profanity to clear things up ( I couldn't do her language justice, so I'll just try and sum things up as best as I can recall them):
"Are you sure you're not gay? You guys are gay. I hate straight men.
You over there? Who are you?
Are you a Yankee? You're not from Florida, we like them here.
And you? What's the matter with you and your arrogant face?"

At this point, while I was becoming amused at her drunken antics, other members of our group were geting uneasy. Thusly, someone decided that it was time that we adjourn as she declared that she'd "scared us off." While I was sorely tempted to mess with the drunk some more, I consented to my friends' insistance that leaving would be a decent idea and departed, musing all the way home that Longview seems to drag out the most interesting types...

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at April 28, 2003 04:36 AM