May 20, 2005


Have some time to kill? If so, I highly recommend that you read One hundred surreal things that have happened to me. I do not know this woman, but she seems to lead a very interesting life.

Some of my favorite portions are provided below.

I would also like to mention my great love for the Metaquotes community once again.

92. Did you know that if you eat seventeen big sticks of cotton candy over the course of a single day at the carnival, you will become so incredibly amped-up on sugar that you are actually reasonably convinced that you can fly? And may then, in a fit of 'I can fly'-osity, climb the side of the Ferris wheel, thus forcing your uncle (who works for the carnival) to try to get you down by turning the Ferris wheel on, under the assumption that you'll just sort of slide gracefully down to ground-level? And more, that people that amped on sugar are capable of feats of super-human strength, and may cling to the bars of the Ferris wheel like lemurs once it starts to move, resulting in several hours of riding the Ferris wheel in a whole new way? Because, well, yeah. That can happen. (I was thirteen, I was stupid, sue me.)

81. I dislike avocado. I also dislike dinner parties where I have to wear starched velvet dresses and pretend that everything is all right when everything is all wrong. And that's why I mashed a big bowl of tomato horn worms, mixed it with some salsa, and put it on the table as a dip. And that's why I won't eat guacomole to this day, because no one noticed the difference. Yeah. Ponder that one with me for a little while, and then move on. I recommend moving on quickly, personally, because ew.

75. Miss Kitty is a three hundred and fifty pound California mountain lion who was declawed and had her teeth blunted by idiots who thought they could keep her inside an apartment. When it turned out that they couldn't, she wound up with animal rescue, and eventually ended up living with me for a short period of time. Miss Kitty rocks. Miss Kitty is fully capable of putting my entire head in her mouth, and would do so to show affection. This was not good for the blood pressure of anyone who happened to walk into the room while she was doing this, especially since she liked to do it while I was sleeping. Very good cat, Miss Kitty. Not her fault she weighs more than I do.

68. Walking past an open elevator at WorldCon, I was greeted by an older British gentleman gleefully shouting "Come and give your Uncle Terry a hug!" I did so. I then got stared at by my friends as I resumed walking, because in their worlds, Terry Pratchett doesn't just randomly demand this of people. Their worlds must be very dull, that's really all I've got to say about that.

57. While waiting for my baggage to arrive at the Orlando Airport, I watched a man come up, pick up a duffel bag from the carousel, unzip it, remove a very, very large iguana -- five feet, minimum -- put it calmly on his shoulder, and walk away. The iguana looked stiff but not particularly annoyed, and was last seen riding the man's head as he exited the airport. This was enough to calm my airport anxiety for several minutes.

41. I sang a complete duet of 'Suddenly, Seymour' with a man on the opposite BART platform, before his train came and he left. I still have no idea who he was or what he was doing there.

39. The first ever production by the Guerilla Musical Theatre Troupe that I'm involved in happened totally by accident. We were hanging around at the SunValley Mall, bored senseless, when Everybody's Angel turned to Adam, and sang, 'Think about the sun, Pippin...' She stopped. We've never been a group that lets go of a song cue, however, so I picked up with '...think about her golden glance.' Then we sang the next line together, Adam joined in, and the rest, as they say, is both a) history and b) an eight-person dance number in the middle of the mall concourse. Since we'd never all eight been in 'Pippin' together, we used a dance routine from 'Grease II', instead. Which is why I am sure that was also the only performance of 'Think About the Sun (Finale)' ever to involve Fastrada slinging Pippin backwards in a floor-slide between her ankles.

25. Leela fell into the toilet, taking most of a LUSH bubble bath bar with her, and proceeded to demonstrate that one cat can thrash enough to make an enormous quantity of violet-scented foam, given sufficient incentive to do so. Like, say, being trapped in the toilet with an enormous quantity of violet-scented foam. See the cat invent perpetual motion!

11. Don't pick up the rattlesnake. I did it, and I'm telling you, don't.

5. Because I was bored and had a container of glow-in-the-dark paint, I painted myself ghost-glow green, taped fake blood pellets to my feet, lit a candle, and wandered through my apartment complex glowing and leaving bloody footprints that vanished completely in the middle of a walkway. Half the neighbors moved out over the course of the next month and a half.

Posted by Randy at May 20, 2005 03:52 AM | TrackBack