14 February 2004 - Saturday

By popular demand: The List

Just in time for Valentine's Day, I present my widely-anticipated list:

The Top 42 Reasons
Wilson Will Never Get a Girlfriend

42. There are more women in the world than men. To confine myself to one woman would leave another entirely loveless. Wouldn't be fair.

41. There are far more men at LeTourneau than women. If a girl can't manage to get a guy here on her own, I'm sure not going to help her.

40. Behind every Miss Elizabeth Bennett is a Mrs. Bennett. Don't ask questions, Darcy. Just run.

39. I'm staying celibate just in case I ever feel the call to become a priest. Better safe than sorry.

38. That whole St. Valentine racket.

37. Hair spray kills.

36. The color pink.

35. Chick flicks.

34. They think the French are romantic.

33. Colored nail polish is creepy.

32. I think I've seen makeup sold by the quart.

31. That whole gender-neutral translation controversy.

30. "Be sure to compliment her shoes."

29. Eve. Delilah. Jezebel. Agrippina. Eleanor Roosevelt. (Need I say more?)

28. Ken has to stay home and bake cookies with Barbie. G. I. Joe, who's never had a girlfriend, saves the world on an hourly basis.

27. I once had a good friend who fell head-over-heels in love. They found his pride a few days later at the bottom of the river.

26. They smell funny. Sort of fresh ... and clean. It's unnerving.

25. They spend more time doing their hair than I spend sleeping.

24. I don't enjoy the thought of telephone bills that dwarf my tuition payments.

23. Sure, they're kinda cute. But have you seen how much it costs to feed them?

22. She would probably try to make me give up my bad habits -- like rational thought.

21. Shopping malls.

20. "Yes, dear."

19. An actual, complete transcript of a recent three-hour telephone conversation between a girl and a guy: "Hi." "Hi." "How are you doing?" "Good." "Thatís good." "Yeah." "Yeah." (Sigh.) (Sigh.) "Well, I'll see you in a few minutes." "Yeah." (Sigh.) (Sigh.)

18. They tend to cause annoying character traits -- like ethics and responsibility.

17. They seem to shed tears at random.

16. And their tears are so dang effective.

15. When I'm in a bad mood, it's my fault. When she's in a bad mood, it's my fault even more.

14. I enjoy being able to wander off by myself occasionally, without the guilty feeling that someone is probably worried about me.

13. They keep Justin Timberlake in business.

12. They consume large quantities of scarce resources -- such as time, money, and dignity.

11. I'd have to get used to taking orders.

10. If the ladies will keep their own germs to themselves, I'll look after mine. "Making out" is notoriously unhygienic.

9. They have selectively bad memories.

8. Like an Impressionist oil painting, they are easier to admire from a distance.

7. The black widow spider is not an evolutionary fluke. It is God's object lesson for male-kind.

6. If God had meant me to be attractive to women, he would have given me either looks, or personality, or money. I see no indication that I will ever possess any of the three.

5. Oprah.

4. You can't win.

3. Even when you play by their rules.

2. Jesus never had a girlfriend.

1. How could I ever be interested in any girl crazy enough to be interested in me?

| Posted by Wilson at 12:00 Central | TrackBack
| Report submitted to the Frivolity Desk , Reference Desk


Romeo says, "He jests at scars that never felt a wound." (Act II, Scene 2, lines 1-2

Alice Thomas Ellis says, "There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters."

Calvin says (rather irrelevantly), "Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination."

*Wheeler is generally amused and glad that Wilson is willing to burn certain bridges so that he doesn't have to*

Hmmm . . . I have another quote that needs to go on here. It needs a new comment.

The thoughts of Blame Jared on 14 February 2004 - 2:22 Central
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Best monologue ever:

Benedick: "I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviours to love, will, after he hath laugh'd at such shallow follies in others, become the argument of his own scorn by falling in love; and such a man is Claudio. I have known when there was no music with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he rather hear the tabor and the pipe. I have known when he would have walk'd ten mile afoot to see a good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont to speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man and a soldier; and now is he turn'd orthography; his words are a very fantastical banquet--just so many strange dishes. May I be so converted and
see with these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not. I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster; but I'll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me he shall never make
me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain; wise, or I'll none; virtuous, or I'll never cheapen her; fair, or I'll never look on her; mild, or come not near me; noble, or not I for an angel; of good discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall be of what colour it please God."

Much Ado About Nothing (Act II, Scene 3, lines 7-34)

The thoughts of Blame Jared on 14 February 2004 - 2:28 Central
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If my memory serves me correctly, it seems like I saw similar thoughts on The Vengful Cynic's blog last spring...

These were the best: #42,35,34,28,26,17, & 15.

The thoughts of Julie on 14 February 2004 - 12:19 Central
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I am particularly amused by #28 & 18. A very nice list, Wilson.

The thoughts of Sharpton on 14 February 2004 - 16:14 Central
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Blast. Someone already beat me to "you sound like last-year Scholl." Feh.

The thoughts of Shem on 14 February 2004 - 19:41 Central
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Wilson's comments on the dangers, problems, and potential disasters of relations with the fairer sex are, as expected, quite founded. Yet, Wilson has failed to account for a the most dangerous aspect of a woman.
A woman can awaken feelings, though they be as far as Tahiti. (Thus spoke Scholl.)
When Wilson is smitten all the logic and common sense he has stored away will not save him. Onlya a fellow considerably more opaque than Wilson could remain a "bachelor 'till the rapture."

The thoughts of David on 14 February 2004 - 21:58 Central
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Moore, you have just done an admirable job showing us what being smitten will do to logic and common sense. Thank you.

The thoughts of Blame Jared on 14 February 2004 - 22:14 Central
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Didn't you hear? As of this last week, Ken and Barbie are officially broken up. The story is here:

The Break-Up of the Millennium
http://www.shareholder.com/mattel/news/20040212-128705.cfm

The thoughts of Squeeze on 14 February 2004 - 22:26 Central
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So who wants to bet how long it takes Wilson to get girl now?

The thoughts of Domi on 15 February 2004 - 0:34 Central
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*jumps up and down* DOMI! RIGHT HERE! I'll bet you! :grin: how long and how much?

The thoughts of Morgan on 15 February 2004 - 4:05 Central
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I guess I should say get a girl..mmm..more like a female get him

The thoughts of Domi on 15 February 2004 - 17:09 Central
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When you fall in love, your feelings and attitudes will completely change. You will experience unconditional love, and you will forget all of the things in your list because they will not bother you anymore. Consider the knowledge of this married man: love is more powerful than you think and it awakens powerful and wonderful feelings inside you. When you fall in love, you will feel like an empty part of you has just been filled! It's a wonderful experience. If you missed this experience, you would miss the life's best and most fulfilling experience. Believe me, getting married and experience love are worth it!!!

The thoughts of Daniel McBride on 20 February 2004 - 15:28 Central
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I think it's time for us to learn some new words! Gather around, children, sit. Get comfortable. And get ready for some wordy goodness from your friend, the Dictionary Fairy! Yay!

1) Sarcasm- "A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule."

2) Satire- "A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit."

3) Irony- "A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect."

4) Entertainment- "Something that amuses, pleases, or diverts, especially a performance or show."

5) Fun- "A source of enjoyment, amusement, or pleasure."

6) Amusement- "The state of being amused, entertained, or pleased."

(All definitions yoinked from Dictionary.com)

Now, children, as we all can see, Wilson has clearly ridiculed, derided, lampooned, parodied, and otherwise mocked one of the largest satirical targets known to man (male/female relationships) for the purpose of providing general merriment, jocularity, hilarity, and jollification for all and sundry.

Not to worry, Wilson! The Dictionary Fairy is amused! You are a true Word Friend! Yay!

The thoughts of The Dictionary Fairy on 20 February 2004 - 22:05 Central
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