Vengeful Cynic

For Ma's Benefit

Cynic: so... Wilson tells me you need an apron?
Ardith: *laughs*
Cynic: I'm pretty sure we could get you one
Ardith: No, actually, I don't.
Cynic: you have one then?
Ardith: No. But I wouldn't use it if I had it. Thus, I don't need one.
Cynic: tsk tsk tsk... but you never know when you'll actually need one
Ardith: *laughs* Yeah, whatever. If my mom can go years without using one, I don't imagine I'll have much trouble.

note: the emphasis is Ardith's

I know I wouldn't dare cast aspersions on my own mother's domestic skills. Ardith must want out of the will.... =D

"Wisdom"

Ma Hoyt: You have no idea my capacity for making things up.
Cynic: Does it really count as wisdom then?
Ma Hoyt: Wisdom. It's all subjective.

Unnecessary Labor

"A hacker would consider being asked to write

add x to y giving z

instead of

z = x+y

as something between an insult to his intelligence and a sin against God."

- Paul Graham, "Being Popular"

Modem != DVD Burner

Cynic: Hello?
Customer on Phone: Hey! Y'all done work on my modem and now my DVD burner done kickin DVD's out instead o' burnin' 'em, and was workin' too!
Cynic: I'm sorry ma'am, could I get your name and number? (We haven't done any modem work that I'm aware of in some time)

*Customer gives name and number* ...yeah, she's not in the system, must have been sometime last year.

Cynic: Ma'am, I'm sorry, you're not in the new system... could you tell me when we did that work on your computer?
Customer: Sho' am been a couple o' months... ain't been no year, but it's been a couple o' months.
Cynic: And we did work on your DVD Burner?
Customer: No! I done told you that! You worked on my modem!
Cynic: Ma'am, when did your DVD burner start kicking out DVDs.
Customer: Been about a week or two now.
Cynic: Ma'am, being as that the work we did on your computer was on your modem and being as that it was some months between when this work was done and when your DVD Burner started acting up, I can hardly see how they're related.
Customer: Oh... I see. Well, I guess I'll call the people that made the burner. Mebbe they be more help den you!
Cynic: Have a nice day ma'am.

TMI!

"My wife is a good little girl... she lets me have my hobbies and spend the little part of our budget that we leave for my hobbies and I do the same for her. We don't have sex anymore... I mean, we breed when we decide it's time to have kids, but I really don't get sex anymore." - Customer

Get Freudian

"Don't ever get Freudian with a man who has a pickle."
-Jack McCoy, Law & Order

I Hope Not

‘I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends - apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?’
- President Bartlet, from the West Wing

Watered-Down Theology

"Jesus loves me, this I know
for the Bible tells me so
and that's all you need to know"
-Tim and the Cynic, explaining a certain preacher I know

Rachel-isms

I'm cleaning my computer off to initiate a reformat. In so doing, I stumbled across a list of Rachel-isms. Some are inappropriate, and are thusly beneath the fold. They're only rated PG-13 or so... but I don't want to upset Wilson or alienate my 7-year-old demographic.

"And then God blessed me and made me throw away my clothes"
-Paige and Rachel

"I listened to Plum, she listened to Cranberries, and we had a fruity time!"
-Rachel

Cynic: "A gigolo is a man whore."
Rachel: "Yeah, I should know... you shouldn't."
Uncle Doug: "Jared... what is she turning you into?"
Rachel: "What? You think I PAY him?!"

Heard in Speech

Wondrous things I heard in a speech in Col. Payton's Speech class today:

"My speech today is on the American Fag[sic] and its meaning, proper care, how to fold it and store it, and how to post it correctly."

"So you don't want to burn the American Flag in your back yard with your leaves or your neighbor from Vietnam will come over and hurt you."

Literary Quotes

"Arasham sometimes stumbles over the language -- which isn't surprising, since he's probably at least half baboon -- and once, during his campaigns back in the hinterlands, he gave an order. He ment to say, 'Fall upon your foes,' but it came out wrong. Instead, he said, 'Fall upon your swords,' and three whole regiments did exactly that. Arasham rode home alone that day, trying to figure out what went wrong."
"You've been here too long, Voren." Sparhawk laughed. "Rendor's starting to sour your disposition."
"I can't abide stupidity and filth, Sparhaw, and Arasham's followers believe devoutly in the sanctity of ignorance and dirt."

Enzyme!

Which Biological Molecule Are You?

You are an enzyme. You are powerful, dark,
variable, and can change many things at your
whim...even when they're not supposed to be
changed. Bad you. You can be dangerous or
wonderful; it's your choice.

brought to you by Quizilla (thanks Sharptiano)

-------------------

Cynic: Hey look! I'm an enzyme (goes on to read enzyme aloud...)
Wheeler: Yeah, you and Paige and Scott...
Cynic: Fitting company!
Wheeler: Yeah, go figure...

This Is My Life

Now, if you read too much into this, you're going to come up with some very faulty interpretations. That said, I find the spirit behind the following passage to mimick the interaction between myself and Anna (with the clear analogical flaws in that obviously the relationship is different, not to mention that I am neither a lecher nor a drunk.)

Belgarath the Sorcerer was a man with many flaws in his character. He had never been fond of physical labor and he was perhaps a bit too fond of dark brown ale. He was occasionally careless about the truth and had a certain grand indifference to some of the finer points of property ownership. The company of ladies of questionable reputation did not particularly offend his sensibilities, and his choice of language very frequently left much to be desired.
Polgara the Sorceress was a woman of almost inhuman determination and she had spent several thousand years trying to reform her vagrant father, but without much notable success. She persevered, however, in the face of overwhelming odds. Down through the centuries she had fought a valiant rearguard action against his bad habits. She had regretfully surrendered on the points of indolence and shabbiness. She grudgingly gave ground on swearing and lying. She remained adamant, however, even despite repeated defeats, on the points of drunkenness, thievery, and wenching. She felt for some peculiar reason that it was her duty to fight on those issues to the very death.

Homicide

There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy...
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Those Silly SC 41-ers

"yep, we're getting around"
-Sharptiano (speaking on behalf of himself, Barbour and Scott)

Really Now?

"Alas, I am stud."
-Melby

The Wisdom of the Aged

Cynic: The box is bigger than Ardith
Ma Hoyt: Most things are

New Victim

Cynic: it's time for Cynic's awkward, off-color joke to diffuse the tension and get him hit so everyone can snap out of it
Mom Hoyt: Wait! I have kids in the room!

My Clever Roommate

"Damn you thing! Do what I want you to do!
Do what I want you to do, not what I tell you to do!"

--Jared to his computer

Insider Information

Me: She can never really explain why she doesn't like something; she just doesn't like it.
Mom: Well... that's typical of a woman, really.

Blondes Do It Best

You know, even with all of the quotations I get from everyone else, I think blondes have a corner on the market. Today's contributions are from Tim's little blonde sister, Christy.

Christy: You know you want to help me move up to Miami on Friday.
Me: I don't know... what's it worth to you?
Christy: (in a voice used to coax elementary kids) I'll give you a Twiiiinkieeee...
Me: I don't think that's going to be enough
Christy: (unabashedly bargaining in the same voice) Two twinkies?

"Mom... you need to come manage your son. We need a castration out here!"
-Christy

Now for the proper effect here, I need everyone to visualize someone who's about 5'4" and barely 100 lbs. She's very cute, quite innocent, and she just exudes the impression of an impish cherub combined with Polyanna. She's a lot of fun, a very stereotypical clueless blonde (though quite smart) and a great adopted little sister. That said, she's one of those people who if she uttered any cusswords, you would suspect a ventriloquist was nearby. She's not quite that innocent, but she certainly seems it.

Comment Spam

A comment spammer from a discount drug website was leaving most amusing content to spam off of. Thusly, I am recording all of the content and ripping out the links:

Q: How does a hacker fix a function which doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A: He changes the domain.

Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes to get them.
-- Dirty Harry

The Least Successful Collector
Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the works of Shakespeare.
One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"

BOFH Excuse #298: Not enough interrupts

"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
-- Jay Leno

BOFH Excuse #20: divide-by-zero error

Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
-- W.C. Fields

"I prefer the blunted cudgels of the followers of the Serpent God."
-- Sean Doran the Younger

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
brings wisdom.
-- H.L. Mencken

Egotism, n:
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
Egotist, n:
A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.

Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.
-- Homer Simpson
El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.
-- Cato

Nothing is but what is not.

They Keep Coming

"I'm Texas, now?
I object!"
-Ardith

Fraternal Genius

"22 Ounces is just enough to get his left arm drunk!"
-Jonny

My Brilliant Brother

"Mom! He scared the devil out of me... and that makes him retarded!"
- My Brother Jonny

Jonny: Can a brain tumor make you look retarded?
Mom: Yes
Jonny: Then he's retarded

Pearls of Wisdom

Overheard at the Rangers' game today:
"His dad was a president and he owned a baseball team, what more do you need to know?! Elect him goddamnit!"

Just proving yet again that idiocy is no respector of race, creed, religion, political affiliation, etcetera, etcetera...

(though come think about it, it does seem to have a great respect for gender... showing great affiliation with those who lack a Y chromosome)

Heard in Preparation...

Toad: (Points to Cynic) You're walking with Alison, (Points to Jeff) you're walking with Melanie, (Points to Stu) I don't know who you're walking with.
Stu: Is she hot?

Toad: All but two of the bridesmaids are under 18.
Jeff: Where is C-4? This is his kind of get-together.

"I know my sister is hot!" - Stu

"My sister's not hot yet..." - Ziggy

Context-Free

"I keep hearing sex!" -Lily

"I could stand for some gay flowery towels about now..." -Wheeler

Thinking in Camelot

"Never be too disturbed if you can't understand what a woman is thinking. They don't do it very often."
-Merlin in Camelot (the 1967 musical)

Philosophistrizing

"It will have been a month by the time a month has gone by..."
-Wheeler

As Relayed by Tim...

God made wood, Man made cheese,
Woman will make children if you just say please.
-Sean Cullen

Paternal Ingenuity...

In the spirit of LU as I am away, I must relate to you a scheme hatched by a male friend of mine who will go unnamed due to the controversiality of his ideas:

As a guy, I really don't like diapers at all and really can't stomach changing them. Maybe it's a lack of maternal instinct or something, but I can't really stomach the process. When I was thinking on this and the prospect of having kids of my own, I came up with a brilliant idea.

Dogs eat anything... at least I know mine does. So I figured that what I would do is take the diaper off the kid and take him outside and let the dog lick him clean. Then I pop a new diaper on and PRESTO!... he's clean, and I had to do nothing but tear the old diaper off and put the new one on. Heck, I could just have the dog clean the diaper and put it back on Junior.

Needless to say, I was impressed but others were not. That said, I am definitely considering investing in a dog and some land, should the need arise. That said, I am much more in favor of this being reserved as a backup plan to the primary solution of having the wench change the diapers.

Heard on Break...

"Sex, brains and clean dishes... what more could you want?"
-Jared Wheeler

Anti-Monopoly

So yeah... Randy, Wheeler, Anna, Ardith, Lily and myself played Anti-Monopoly tonight. We had to coerce Wheeler, but in the end he played and enjoyed himself.

I'll make a more complete post about this sometime in the morning, but here are some quotes that I recorded during the course of the game:

"It's like being tickled when you have to pee... it just doesn't work!"
-Anna

Cynic: It's a mob run by women!
Lily: It doesn't matter, we have fun... and we bake!

Wheeler: You took my last dollar Lily!
Lily: Good! I'll spend it on whores!

"We're the ones paying for it... of course we know what's going on [in Ardith's Houses of Ill Repute]!"
-Wheeler

Ardith: Yes! I exist to cause you pain and suffering in this life!
Wheeler: That's kind of pathetic really...

"I heap loathing on top of your self-loathing!"
-Wheeler

Fun Question

This was one of the questions on one of my sample online quizzes for Microeconomics:

Why is it that farmland is more likely to be converted to residential housing near urban areas?

a. Because developable land is scarce near urban areas, and eventually becomes more valuable than as farmland.
b. Because urban people don't like food.
c. Because rural people don't like housing.
d. None of the above.

The Things I Hear at Work

"It makes sense... it's hard to keep a good GPA when you're an idiot."
-Wheeler

Catching Up With Old Friends

"Last I heard, he had been stabbed." - Dr. Watson

Kenmore or Whirlpool?

"I mean, a woman who can't do dishes is pretty much useless."
-Gecko

Things I've Been Hearing

"I'll pimp out anything that sells so long as I don't have to get involved."
-Moore

"Don't criticize my words when I'm doing math."
-Anna

They Said It...

"There's a lot of food out there;
there are a lot of women too!" - Wilson

Moore: "Can we tell what [the orcs] are doing?"
Boothe: "They appear to be having a fertility ritual."

"My uncle is brilliant; he's like MacGuyver. He can take a toothpick and a paperclip and make a solar panel." - Anonymous Missionary

This Just In!

Toad: "[Cynic], did you know that closing an umbrella inside damns you eternally to hell? It's part of our new religion... we just made it up."
Ziggy: "Yeah, quick... make a website about it!"

Alright guys... so am I safe from the fires of hell?

Quote Roundup

"These carrots taste like they added carrot-flavoring. They taste too carroty"
-Anna

"There are women who can write [fantasy] and I'm sure I can think of one if I sit here long enough."
-Wheeler

"I have to take my wife in to the hospital for a tune-up."
-Dr. Baas

Things I've Heard Lately...

"My first wish, a bazillion dollars... My second wish, a woman."
-Wilson

During a game of Anti-Monopoly
Anna: "Can I owe you a dollar"
Cynic: "Uh... no."

On MRS Majors...

"Any MRS major who fails to graduate LU with a man deserves an F for effort." - Wilson

"Just remember, I don't think they let you MRS majors graduate without a man. It would be like graduating engineers without making them take math... you'd be sending them out unprepared and setting them up for failure." - me

You know how much we all love the MRS majors around here.

Screwy link of the day: 0100101110101101

Days Since Last Fire Alarm: 1
Days of Living in a Shitty Dorm: 28
Days Until Summer is Over: 79

Fun for Everyone

Here's something for the crackhead...

The Gecko Man

And here's something to get Sam in trouble...

"Stupid thing to assume for the day, your woman will understand." - Sam Daimwood

Pop Music is Hard to Write?

"Anyone can sit down and write some boring artistic song. Pop music is the hardest shit to write." - Britney Spears in 5/9/2003 issue of Entertainment Weekly

I really wish I was making this up...

Sam = Anti-Christ?

Oh... and here's another good one on Sam:

"I think Sam Daimwood's the Anti-Christ. I think he's on a secret mission to pass through a Christian University demon-possessed." - Patrick Murphy, Sam's Ex-Roommate

Note: This is the same Patrick Murphy who got kicked out of KZX for drinking.

No More Chai for Toad!

OK! Note to ALL: no more Chai for Toad.... EVER!!!

This evening has been spent, sitting here and observing Toad and Damian compete to see who can put their sock on with only their toes. Jeff and I have entreated them to use their hands, to no avail. Toad sat there and made chirping noises at us when we tried to use reason on him, Damian just mocked Toad. Interesting quotes from the evening include:

"Stupid big toe... you are too big... you suck." Toad to "that toe"

Toad: "Bah! That sucks. I hate it when the tongue does that... See, the tongue keeps falling in!"
Jeff: "That's why we have HANDS!"
...
Toad: "That's why I don't have my sock on... I don't have enough feet to put it on."
Jeff: "That's why you have HANDS!"

Damian: "I'd like to see you stick those wires in those little holes [on the breadboard]"
Toad: "Bah, I'd just use a soldering iron... putting it in the breadboard is too hard..."

Cynic: "Hit him"
Jeff: "He'd enjoy that too much... I'm tormenting him more by not hitting him."
Damian: "Damn you!"

Jeff: "OK! Note to ALL: no more Chai for Toad.... EVER!!!"

Cynic: "I'm going to take this piece of pumice and shove it down your throat."
Toad: "Bah! I have a shoe on..."

Toad: "Damian is a co-conspirator. A fellow in the faith of foot and toes!"