January 30, 2006


"My wife is a good little girl... she lets me have my hobbies and spend the little part of our budget that we leave for my hobbies and I do the same for her. We don't have sex anymore... I mean, we breed when we decide it's time to have kids, but I really don't get sex anymore." - Customer

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 11:01 AM | TrackBack

January 25, 2006

One of them Linuxes

So a guy just called and said... "So I see you've got them free Linuxes... which kind of those would I want for hooking up my Playstation and my computer."

My response: "Ummm.... eh.... wha? Sir, you do realize that an operating system is something like Windows, right?"

"Oh, yeah, right. So I want to hook up my Playstation and my computer to the internet and don't wanna keep taking the cat cable out and plugging it into one and then the other."

"Sir, what you need is a router... it already has a micro-operating system with Linux on it."

"But... how will I hook up my Playstation and my computer to the little Linux?"

"Sir, we will sell you two more Cat-5 cables... they're only $.50 a foot and then you can hook everything up to the router."

"Ok... so I come and buy this little Linux and these two cables and I'll be good to go?"

"You should be sir... there are some minor configurations that you might have problems with (oh yeah, you will) and if you do, one of our technicians can come out on-site and configure your router for you."

Note to self: no more ads in the paper aimed at anyone with a 3-digit IQ and anything more than a knowledge that computers exist.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 04:30 PM | TrackBack

January 19, 2006


I think it's safe to say that I am not a well-domesticated man. The problems started with the instant mashed potatoes. On the back of the container there are several columns of figures to relate to the amount of each ingredient you'll need for a certain serving size. Unfortunately, there are two columns with large volumes in them: one for the size of the container and the other for the amount of water added. Obviously, the size of the container will be larger than the amount of water needed... by a significant margin. However, if you get splatter or something on the "water column" and don't really think that anyone would bother enumerating what size of a container is needed to make instant mashed potatoes (I mean, come on, just grab a freaking pot and go), you might read the "container column" and think "two quarts of water to 3 cups of potatoes... well, ok." In thinking this you would be wrong. You would also make some nasty-looking potato soupy stuff.

Now, the rest of the cookery (mostly left to Toad) went fairly well... and dinner was good and all of that. And then the wives tried to make us watch American Idol... and so we ran off to put up shelves. While the actual shelving went off without a hitch, apparently my neighbor relations aren't so good. I mean, it was only 8 or 8:30 when we started in on the shelves... how was I supposed to know that the neighbors would object to our drilling holes in the wall and banging nails into it? So we got about half-way through the project, with all of the holes drilled and most of the shelf-hangers anchored when the wall started making banging noises of its own. "Odd..." we thought, "the wall gnomes are usually much more subtle than to be making a loud racket. Maybe they're putting up shelves of their own." Continuing on to anchor the L-braces for the shelves, we started hammering and the gnomes started at it again, and then from the next apartment came a female scream, "QUIT IT!"

"Hmm.... I'm guessing that wasn't the wall gnomes."

To which Toad replied, "Yeah... guess not."

"Maybe we should call it a night"

"Maybe... I think you can finish this tomorrow on your own."

"Yeah... hehe... we pissed off the neighbors."


Our wives were somewhat perplexed by our amusement and made us watch American Idol as penance for not having finished. For our parts, we endured our torture with a stiff upper lip and filed grievances with Amnesty International. That show is criminal.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 08:05 AM | TrackBack

January 18, 2006

Misplaced Nouns

Random Customer: "I'd like to buy some of that eterna... etreno.... eternal.... utrinal..."
Customer's Wife: "Infina-something."

long pause

Random Customer: "He told me what it was and now I've done forgot it... stuff looks like phone cable."
Cynic: "Oh. You mean ethernet cable?"
Random Customer: "Yeah, that stuff... I knew it had a funny name."

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 07:45 AM | TrackBack

January 17, 2006

Get Freudian

"Don't ever get Freudian with a man who has a pickle."
-Jack McCoy, Law & Order

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 06:37 PM | TrackBack

January 12, 2006

The Ultimate Showdown

Have you ever wondered what would happen if every celebrity, action figure, and tv monster got into a giant brawl? I hadn't either, but apparenty Neil Cicieraga and "myfriendscallmebobo" had. Edit: So the direct link to the flash file has been deactivated, but you can still link through the intro page, which can be found here.

While this little film is vastly entertaining, there is a decent bit of cartoon violence and gore, so I would probably recommend that little children not be subjected to it... so nobody go showing it to Melby.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 09:43 PM | TrackBack

January 10, 2006

Don't Mess with Joe

In light of his many detractors, Joe wandered into my living room this morning, hopped on my computer, and sent me this link.

Not to worry, gentle readers, Joe has assured me that even in light of my angsty wife's attempts at killing him with mouse traps, Joe would never burn my apartment down. That said, Anna's new plots of poisoning him might cause a bit of consternation... hence this link. I'm not saying he'd do anything, but he's at least 10x cleverer than his cousins in New Mexico. Oh... and he'd also like to warn certain Iowans that if they don't stop the jihad on his family, he may have to bring the fight to them as well.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 10:01 AM | TrackBack

January 08, 2006

Proper Payback

Being as that it's been a while since I've conducted a campaign of retribution against a friend of mine, I am curious if some modern implements of warfare have been developed. This is also a chance for the truly clever and resourceful pranksters who read this blog to showcase their talents and brag about past exploits (anonymously as necessary.) Yes, I'm fishing for prank/taunting ideas to add to my repertoire... and yes, I'm about to drop payback on an obnoxious and deserving friend of mine who has offended the natural order of things and begged me to come give her a treat of the Cynic's Sympathies.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 12:03 AM | TrackBack

January 05, 2006

Customers Scare Me

I really ought to just start a blog with stories about the various and sundry people who visit my store and say/do retarded things. Maybe it would get better readership and whatnot... a la Acts of Gord. In fact, the temptation is very great, if only because people love reading about that sort of stuff, and I love writing about it... and I love attention.

Anyways... so this lady calls up with her computer and says, "I called SBC (the DSL/phone company) and told them about my computer problem, and they think it's my hard drive."

So do you want a replacement hard drive?

"Umm... maybe... is this one of those places that does computer repair work and stuff?"

(No, I just ask people if they want me to do hardware replacement work to screw with them and then tell them to bugger off.) Yes ma'am... you can feel free to bring it in and I'll have a look at it.

"Can you fix it while I wait."

Ma'am, it may take me 5 to 10 minutes to determine if your problem is, in fact your hard drive, and additional time to ascertain if there are other problems involved and how much it would take to fix them. That's not even counting repair time.

"So you can do it while I wait?"

Ma'am, that's not even counting the potential repair time of imaging the drive across, which could take several hours, in addition to updating Windows, virus removal, etcetera.

"So you probably can't do it while I wait?"

I'd rather you didn't... I'll give you my card so you can call me and I'll get your number so I can call you when it's done.

(She apparently took me very literally, calling at least 5 times over the length of just yesterday to "check up and see if we'd made any progress.")

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 04:40 PM | TrackBack

January 04, 2006

Freaking Wheeler

Hey Jared. Do you want a ride back from Dallas? Check your email, then.

Oh... and if anyone else sees this and then communicates with our filthy goat-faced Guatemalan crackhead (see how family-friendly that was, Wilson?), please tell him that checking his email will lead to getting a ride.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 11:45 PM | TrackBack

New Year

So yeah... Anna has some goofy procedure tomorrow. And for whatever reason, one of the prerequisites of said procedure is that the victim... er... testee is required to have no more than three hours of sleep that night. So, like a good husband, I'm trying to stay up with her, for at least some of it.

I really haven't done any of my first-of-the-year posting that I should be doing... in fact, I haven't really posted at all since I listed my complaints as regards juvenile human spawn. So with apologies, I will get to that as we speak.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at 10:27 PM | TrackBack