March 23, 2004


Every time I go to Cici's with my friends, I can't help but noticing all of the little hooligans running rampant throughout the establishment. This sort of observation typically leads to idle speculation about what I would do about the problem were I to run a restaurant. Typically, the responses to my idle speculation range from amusement to outrage... so for the amusement of the author, I suppose I will indulge you.

First, the idea is that children are acceptable as long as they are not loose. Granted, this does present a problem with loud, leashed children... but we'll deal with that in a second. Essentially, there will be multiple surveillance cameras to track the patrons of the restaurant. Shortly after arrival, a patron will be entered into the system as a child or a typical patron and thusly monitored. There will also be several tranquilizer-launching turrets mounted on the ceiling and controlled by computers. Assuming a child acts up, these turrets will fire on the problematic child and then a robotic sweeping unit will intervene and return the child to his/her parent(s).

In order to make sure this does no damage, there will be multiple weight plates hidden in the floor of the establishment so as to properly gauge the mass of the target in question. Further, calculations will err on the low side so as to not kill anyone and targeting will be precise and coordinated using advanced military target-acquisition and tracking algorithms. And here's the fun part... it's all customizable.

Say you don't like kids who whine and get loud... use a low-yield dart to mellow them out. Same goes for drunk and obnoxious patrons. In short... I want to market this thing to everyone. I know I'd eat somewhere with this system employed... and I would take kids to one of these places too.

Posted by Vengeful Cynic at March 23, 2004 09:31 PM | TrackBack