On analyzing the long string of bad waiter/waitress performances that I've been the unhappy victim of during the past two weeks, I have these thoughts about being involved in the personalized customer service end of food services (otherwise known as being a waiter.)
1) Be good at details. Memorize details in your head, take notes, do whatever the hell you have to... but I am not impressed when I order a mountain dew and get a water. I am notably less impressed when I order a steak and get a burger.
2) Be there. If I am out of a drink, you're already not doing your job. Now granted, I'm an oddball and anyone who's ever gone out to eat with me will note that if I'm thirsty, it's not uncommon for me to knock out the first 3 or 4 drinks within the first 30 seconds I have them. I'm willing to cut slack on this sort of thing, but if I've got less than a half a glass after leaving this kind of
carnage behind me, someone should have the sense to get me another. I'm thirsty and I'm paying $2 for something that's costing the restaurant maybe $.10 ... get the hell on the ball, Junior.
3) Be happy. I know, I know, I'm the first person in the world to tell you that being happy all the time gnaws at me. But I'm depressive and pissed off enough for the entire world, I don't need the person who's supposed to be getting my food to help feed that. Plus, I (like most other people) tip better when they're happy... not when they're feeding off of your lack of happiness and enthusiasm.
4) Tell us what the hell is going on. If you don't have our food because that cook in the back is a jackass, we'll roll with that. Hell, we'll probably even forgive the offense and tip you better because you were straight with us and took the time to come by and mention what was up. Communication is a good thing.
5) Fast is good. The more of it you have, the happier we will be. If I order a drink and it's there before I can blink, we will be amazed and you will get a pat on the back. The reverse is also true though... if it takes you 30 minutes to get anything done, you will be hated.
The above are essential. If you don't do these, you will get the shaft. I am usually a generous tipper when my server is decent... 20% for even mediocre service. But when you start ignoring us and refill my drink 2 or 3 times in the hour that I'm there, or you drag things out to 2 hours due to slow service and ineptitude, I start getting vindictive. And when that happens, your tip starts to drop like a rock. I will leave a 25 cent tip to tell the waiter that, "No, I didn't forget your tip and yes I do tip, but you are such a worthless server that your service is worth about that much to me."
Now... advice for getting better tips.
6) Amuse me. If you have a sense of humor or have crazy talents, put them to play. I had a waitress once reduce our table to tears we were laughing so hard. She was there, she was on it, and she was hillarious. She got an absurd tip as I recall... something like $5 on a $10 tab. Look, we know you're whoring out for money... and we appreciate it.
7) Be on top of things. If we have some guy who keeps downing drinks, bring out 2 drinks for him and tell him that you're moving the tap to the table or something. Again, impress us that you know what's going on and you're looking out for us.
8) Give us stuff for free. I know some places you need to be around for a while or be in good to do this, but I guarantee you that if you don't charge us for the sodas, your tip will go up that much more... even if your service completely sucks.
Anyways, those are my pointers. Feel free to comment in your own.
Posted by Vengeful Cynic at August 1, 2003 11:28 AM