At what point does trusting in God's plan degenerate into spiritual apathy? This is something I've been churning around in the back of my head for several days now, but a conversation I had with Michelle (girl on China team) earlier today forced it to the front.
When my sister died last year, I had a spiritual crisis. The easiest way to explain it is to compare it to the way C. S. Lewis' character in the play Shadowlands feels after Joy dies.
Paraphrased:
"God knows, yes, God knows. I've no doubt that God knows, but does God care? Did he care about [her]?...We're the creatures. I've no doubt that the experiment is for our own good, eventually, but that still makes God the vivisectionist."It took me a good bit of time before I finally accepted that God does have a plan and that I am most likely not going to be told it ahead of time. Crap is going to happen to me, but, if I am going to make it through life with my sanity, I have to trust that God knows what He is doing. Once I accepted this I felt good. I felt prepared for whatever was in store for me down the line.
My acceptance of this surprised me over this past weekend. As I was preparing myself to go home, I thought that some of that old anger and bitterness would return at some point during the visitation or funeral. Neither anger nor bitterness visited me over the weekend, though. Instead, I felt mostly acceptance of my grandmother's death and respect for God. I almost felt as if I was betraying my grandmother for not being mad at God for her death, but that thought did not occupy my mind for very long.
Total acceptance brings another question to my mind. Why should one pray if God already has a perfect will? This is also addressed by Lewis' character in Shadowlands:
Paraphrased: "Prayer doesn't change God. It changes me."
It's good advice, but it isn't all that comforting. At least, it isn't to me. If it's true, I find it depressing. If it's true, the only thing prayer can really do is affect our spiritual life.
At what point does this acceptance turn into apathy? Where does acceptance of God's will change into despair over a total lack of control? When does believing in an omniscient being change to not believing in free will?
I don't have any answers.
Posted by Randy at May 4, 2004 01:46 AM | TrackBack