April 14, 2003

Memory Stream

Warning: The following is a display of very deep and powerful emotion. This has nothing to do with what is happening as far as my family is going, but consists of what my thoughts have been the past two days. I've been wanting to write this stuff down on paper, but I really don't trust myself to do it right now. I'm not sure I would be able to read my handwriting afterwards anyway.

I miss my sister so much. Emotions seem to come and go in little outbursts. I damn big one hit me a few moments ago. I can't believe she is gone. I've been writing about for two days now and I still can't believe it. I see her everwhere I look. At my friend's house, I see her sitting in front of this very computer, checking her email and chatting online. I see her upstairs, messing with Levi, Keith, and Dustin. I see her sitting in the hot tub outside on their porch. I see her swimming in their pool. She loved swimming so much. Going to their bathroom to change. Getting sunburned from staying in the sun too long. Playing with their dogs. Playing basketball outside. Play-fighting with Levi. Walking on the road. Playing in the pasture. Making herself food. Sleeping on the couch or in one of the beds.

My last truly coherent memory of her was last Saturday. My grandma and aunt were taking my sister and I home. All the way home I was fucking with her about wearing her seat belt. She got so aggravated with me. We stopped in Carthage so my aunt could pick up some plants. My sister and my aunt went to look at plants at Wal-Mart, and my grandma and I went to buy drinks and snacks at HEB. My aunt bought Jessica a chocolate bunny and she ate it on the way home. Later after we got home I took my sister to my cousin's, where they would spend their last weekend together. I can't remember anything about dropping her off except that, like always, I dropped her off at maw's and made her walk the rest of the way up the driveway. All because my selfish ass didn't like taking my car up that rough piece of shit driveway.

The car itself brings its own flood of memories. We always fought over the radio station. She liked rap and R&B, I liked rock. If a lighter rap song came on, I would usually let her listen to it, but she liked so many songs. I took her to her friends' houses countless times. She would always tell me how when she got her car and she had to take me anywhere, she would pump the music up and make me suffer through it. She had just recently gotten her driver's permit. I would never let more than one person sit in the front seat. I always tried to make her put her seat belt on, but it almost never worked. I probably still have some of her makeup in my car. My car is still in the Trinity dorms parking lot because for some reason I didn't get it when I went up there.

Mom and dad went to the house to stay the night. I don't see how they can do it. Right now I think that I would almost die if I went there. The memories there are everywhere. Playing basketball outside when Levi, etc., came over. All the times she and her friends came over. The amount of time they spent in the hot tub. All the arguments we had over the computer. The number of movies we watched together. Her watching television in the back room. Me making fun of her because she was still watching the Disney channel. All of the beanie babies she had collected. Her horse figurines. Her asking me to take pictures of her and her friends when they dressed up. Her getting ready for all of the formal dances that they had. All of the times she came back exhausted from her basketball games or track meets, which I almost never went to. Her making fun of me because of all of the books I read. The number of photos she took with the webcam at home and has saved on their. All of the vacations that we had. Her taking Sonic, her little stuffed bear, with her on almost all of them. Her downloading rap music, and then me going and deleting it when I saw what some of the titles were. The number of times she came and complained to me when she was pissed off at my parents for something. The times when I found out that she had done something she wasn't supposed to and I promised not to tell.

Getting that phone call from mom has been playing through my mind constantly. Why didn't I stay home longer last weekend? That damn paper wasn't that fucking important. I had already done most of the work anyway.

I'm not going to lie. I'm pissed at God right now. Not as much for what is going through my mind, but for what my family and her friends are going through. I know that everything will happen according to God's will, but to be perfectly honest, that isn't very comforting at the moment.

Please, keep my family and our friends in your prayers.

Posted by Randy at April 14, 2003 12:08 AM