May 02, 2003

Reflections

I had a very interesting night last night. Well, it was interesting to me, anyway.

At around midnight, almost everyone on my floor decided to go to sleep. I can understand why those who were leaving in the morning wanted to sleep, but not everybody else. I couldn't sleep, so I played a few computer games (with the sound completely off) instead of lying in bed for a few hours trying to fall asleep. Around 2 AM, I still was't sleepy, so I decided to walk around the floor to see if anyone else was awake. There might have been someone awake, but all doors were closed. I looked outside a window from my floor and saw that several people were still running around outside packing, cleaning, etc., so that they could leave in the morning. At about 3 AM, still unable to sleep, I decided to walk around outside for a while.

I walked some erratic paths just randomly choosing which sidewalk to walk down. I believe I circled past my dorm about three or four times during this entire period. On my way around the campus, I said goodbye to two other honors students I happened to see. Both of them have already left campus. The number of people I saw walking around decreased with every loop I made. On the last loop, right before I went back to my room, I only saw a few cars and saw nobody walking.

During this time, I had several thoughts which seemed to bring me both joy and depression. At one point, I was standing near the belltower and I discovered that there is a plaque which contains the names of students and staff members who died while attending or working for LU. The plaque begins recording names in 1971. I was shocked to see that four people had died in 2002. The plaque did not have as many names as one would expect it would gain in twenty-two years. However, standing there and looking at the names of college students who perished, college students who had their own hopes, dreams, aspirations, and goals just like all of us do, was very sobering.

Looking at that plaque (along with other things) caused me to think of my late sister, my cousin, and their two friends. Their lives were taken at a young age. Many people, as I once did, proclaim this to be unfair, unjust, etc. Thinking about it now, three weeks after the accident happened, my perspective on this has changed greatly. My sister will never have to experience the death of our grandparents, our parents, our cousins, our friends, or my own death. She will never have to live through someone breaking her heart or go through the stress of four finals and three final projects all due in the same week. Although she will miss some of the better experiences in life as well, I don't think that she would switch her current position if she could in order to experience them. The pure happiness and joy she now experiences is greater than any I could imagine.

I also thought about how much I have grown since I have been going to LeTourneau. I try to imagine how I felt about a year and a half ago and I canít do it. I know that I had much less self-esteem and that I was terrified of what I was going to do in the future. Part of that terror is still there, but Iím not much affected by it. I probably wonít be until the semester before I graduate. At that point, it will most likely be there in full force.

I think that this is the longest post that I have ever written. I guess I will end it now that all of my (current) thoughts have been written out. My next post will probably be from the computer at my house.

Posted by Randy at May 2, 2003 04:30 PM