This last week, I'm beginning to understand how God is working in me through the study of John. It makes me nervous--but that's part of what God is also working on. God is teaching me about reliance on Him and assurance in Him even amidst deep suffering. Hence, it makes me nervous to think that God is preparing me to rely on him in suffering.

However, God has been good to me to give me a glimpse into what he's preparing me for. I don't know specifics, but He preparing me as a God-fearing mom. Motherhood is not all sunshine and daisies. And there is more suffering than just poopy diapers and lack of sleep. There's also going to be times of sickness and times of letting go and letting God. God is giving us this little girl, but she is His and he can bring her to himself at anytime. That's the hardest one for me to accept. I dearly hope I don't have to know that pain but all I can do is trust God and know that whatever pains of motherhood come to me, God is with me and is working in me and in my baby's life for His glory.

Warning: rant about Pat Robertson to follow

I was driving home tonight from AWANA listening to Wally on our awesome local Christian station, The Spirit (89.1). Wally Rocks! Anyways, he was talking about Haiti and then was honest about his opinions about Pat Robertson's comments on the Haiti earthquake--the comments that put the tragedy as a consequence to some "pack with the devil" made LONG LONG ago. A pact that he knows about how? Really?

link to youtube of robertson's comments

Really? Since when are we to cast judgement on others and speak for God(other than using the Bible)? unless Pat Robertson is claiming to be a prophet... Not all tragedy is the result of sin! Remember the story of the blind man in John 9 . The man's lifelong blindness was NOT the result of sin, it was the intended for God's glory. Off the top of my head, I cannot think of ONE instance in the Gospels where Jesus casts judgement on someone's personal tragedy. He does cast judgement on the money-changers and thieves in the temple, but he only ever demonstrates COMPASSION in all other situations, even on the woman who the Jewish leaders brought to Him--testing him--to try and have her stoned for adultery. (John 8)

Yes, there are earthly consequences to sin. and we know from the Bible that God does cast judgment through his forces of nature on nations because of sin. (Old Testament and Revelation) But he commands us to LOVE and not judge in the New Testament--to live as JESUS lived. We can only speak with God's authority through the HIS WORD, the Bible and we should be using the Bible not to cast judgement but to show God's compassion and love, especially on the great many who are suffering in Haiti right now.

I follow the difficult lives of two acquaintances of mine, each who have a 2 year old with special physical needs. One acquaintance had a son born with spinal bifida and the other had a daughter born with arthrogryposis. I've read about their experiences over their last two years and theirs are truly stories of God granting grace and strength, wisdom, patience, and love and so much else to deal with the hospital, fight the system when needed and struggle as their children went through surgeries. I also have a cousin who fostered and then adopted a deaf-child, and less than a year after adoption they found out their child has a terminal illness. The power of God in their lives and through them is such an amazing thing.

Right now, I am doing a long-term substitute paraeducator position in a small classroom for children with autism who need extra help with behaviors before transitioning (hopefully) back to the normal school setting. These kids, who range in age, generally demonstrate the social-coping mechanisms of 2-4 year olds.... While there are some sad stories of parenting... there is one set of parents who have a particularly difficult and aggressive child, who demonstrate such patience and understanding, yet also the needed firmness and structure--even when they themselves are feeling sick. I can only imagine the overwhelming thoughts they must have day to day...while their son has made remarkable strides in the last year...from about a 2 year old to a 3 or 4 year old... it's overwhelming to consider his future-- and to hope for such different things as parents hope for a child without special needs.

God bless them all many times over!

"If you don't see the real me
You won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness
You won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see

Let the light escape from this hole inside my soul
When I start to break then grace begins to flow
Let the light escape from this lonely place inside my soul
Honestly"

Here are part of the lyrics form "The Words I Would Say"
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Definitely going to have to check out more of their other songs.

While freelancing could very well be a job that disappears as suddenly as it appeared, we hope and pray that it stays around because it would make it very easy for me to be a stay-at-home but working mother next year. We are trusting in God's provision and timing as we await our future little blessing.

It's also been nice to have the current projects I'm working on rather than subbing just yet because well, I don't have morning sickness...I have afternoon sickness. Plus I now know just what is meant by "growing a baby is exhausting." So working it home makes it easier for me to still get stuff done while slowly eating a cracker at a time. I have to admit, I could have it much worse because I do get the occasional good day in there where I can get some food with more substance than crackers down for lunch and/or dinner. So God's perfect timing shows once again.

A little over a year ago, I moved to Iowa and arrived making it into town less than 18 hours before the last route into Cedar Rapids was closed. The move is a story of God's provision in itself--Josh offered a job that actually uses and pays for his college degree, and just all the details working together and his choosing an apartment that would not be in the flooded section of town. Not to mention arriving somewhere where we already had many friends who were blessing in helping us unload our furniture and many boxes of books into a storage unit.

We arrived into town before I had yet received a job. I was still hopeful as it was only early summer and my paychecks would continue through August. I was offered the exciting position in educational publishing at the end of June and started in July. It wasn't teaching, but I soon discovered the perks of a non-teaching position and how I really thought I had found my own little niche in mathematics curriculum.

We were provided a house after our first offer fell through and the one in which we live went on the market just days before we were to tour another set of houses. Our wonderful friends helped us again in August as we moved in and life was promising through the fall months. We even committed ourselves to never charging to credit cards and pulling ourselves out of debt through the Dave Ramsey plan. And then came November. I was only slightly nervous about my job after some company-wide meetings the month before and with the promised "consultant" touring the business to offer suggestions. I hadn't been in the professional world long, but there was a touch of trouble on the horizon but our managing editor tried to assure our department that he doubted ours would be touched much.

The week before Thanksgiving I received the email to attend a meeting. I knew as soon as I opened it. I didn't expect it to be so immediate though. But I had a bit of peace because I knew God would provide for us and I still had my teaching certificate. I could sub if nothing else.

And so God provided the subbing and tutoring that carried us through winter and spring. I can count 7 school days where I did not sub out of the semester. More doors opened in April as I was able to take on a temporary scoring position at ACT, and one where I proved adept enough to be offered another position that would bring me into summer. Subbing wasn't going to be available in the summer, but scoring was. At the same time, the wonderful coworker who pointed me towards the tutoring job also provided my email to my former bosses-- who in May found out they too were losing their jobs as the Iowa base of the company was being shut down. Somewhere along in there they had gotten started with another education publishing company who had very similar projects based in Massachusetts. They started an Iowa based company and were looking for freelancers. Just as my last scoring position at ACT was ending in July with no apparent income until September and subbing--I was offered first a quick editing project and then an long-term write a workbook project that had a very nice pay attached to it. God had provided.

It worked out well that at the time I started freelancing, Josh started working later hours and therefore I could work more or less undistracted in the evenings and sleep until late morning as I work better later in the day. And ACT prep tutoring started again with the first time September test date in Iowa and would provide me biweekly income again in August while I finished my project. In fact, for the first time, I had to turn someone down because I could not fit any more people into my schedule (I have 9 different prep sessions in a given week, each session 2 hours)

While we've only just barely had enough to make ends meet this summer, we've been able to make all our necessary payments and eat and be sheltered. We broke down and had to charge twice to put gas in the car due to bad timing of bill-paying and checks depositing (read, our bad budgeting), but we have learned and God is definitely keeping us afloat.

And as my first major project has come to an end, I've been offered two extra projects that will keep be busy until mid-September. I'll be able to only part-time sub as I am able after this week and be able to be choosy about days and jobs I take on at first.

This is only the bare outline of God's provision in the major details of our lives. I rest my hope in Him, and while I will not rest my hope that this freelancing will be a definite career of working at home--I know God will provide as He wills for my life, for our life as a family.

God is so VERY VERY GOOD.

Today's section was James 4:13-17: "Life is a Vapor"

During the sermon, there was an annoying ticking sound that gradually got louder. Of course, a short way in I figured out it had something to do with the sermon but it was still rather annoying and distracting--the clock in the sanctuary had been removed and it was asked of the congregation to put away watches and such.

Well, our children's ministry pastor went rather concisely through all his points and as the ticking sound came to a max volume he started the sentence with "I'll give you one last example..." the ticking stopped. He closed his Bible and walked off stage. Church was over. This was the final example of how our life is a vapor and we need to be careful to include God in all planning for the future. First time we've been out of church before 11:30, for that matter, I think before 11:45. We're usually done around noon.

I do plan on posting again in the future about God's provision in our lives this past year. (Lord-willing :-)) I was theoretically waiting for a more distinct image of my job situation...but more on that later. (No, no full-time permanent position for me as of yet. God's timing is the best timing)

"Has everything you've counted on
Left you right here with no warning
Have your dreams become invisible
Wait with me dear till the morning
Light will make the night burnout

Hold on - daylight is coming
Daylight is coming to break the dawn
Daylight is coming

The brightest stars are falling down
Is hope lost in the black skies
The darkness must precede the dawn
Hold on till the sunrise
Light will make your night fade out "

Which pretty much sums up my life at the moment as I feel like my career dreams have been locked away. However, even as the summer has no opportunities for subbing, I did find out today that I thankfully do have another scoring project that to line me up through mid-July--expected to end just before my required teacher class for "standard" certification in Iowa starts. So now I have plans through July. God provides again.

I'm reminded of my BSF Life of Moses study this last year. Moses was told what plans God had for him to lead Israel out of Egypt--but many things did not seem to go quite as planned and Moses had to rely on God for many a roadblock. But in the end, God used Moses exactly as He had prepared Moses and told him. I know that God has molded and shaped me into a math teacher. I have now learned that my supposed "job guaranteed" degree, isn't so guaranteed because God is taking me through this stage for something. I don't know why yet, but there is a reason--maybe only to teach me to rely on Him. But experience has taught me there are usually also much bigger goals underlying stages of trouble.

I am going to hold on to the dreams God gave me. I am going to fight the discouragement borderline depression that Satan tries to drag me down with. But I'm only going to be doing so because God is doing the holding and the fighting--much like He fought for the Israelites many times. If I am never a teacher again--I know God is preparing me to be happy and serving Him doing something else.

I want to do what I love--math education. Whether it be teaching, or working behind the scenes to develop assessment and curriculum, my love is math education.

I'm doubting myself. I'm scared I'll never get another chance as it seems my career passion slowly slips away.

I know God will encourage me again very soon. I know he's preparing me every moment in every day for that open door. But it doesn't necessarily make me feel any better at the moment.

and I have lettuce plants that are ready for salads!

Well, laundry needed to be done again so we decided to investigate this nest of baby chirpies and of mother birdie's flapping wings. After pulling off the outside duct flap thing, which cracked so we'll have to replace it, we discovered that the nest is at the angle where the aluminum duct piping meets the wall before threading somewhere through the ceiling down to the shady pvc piping in our laundry room. I was all for getting a hanger and dragging the nest out because there wasn't any good way to blow it out or gently pull it out. Josh insisted that we run the dryer ducting from the dryer out the basement window and leave the birdies be for a few weeks and they'll leave on their own... He is the humane one.

So after loosening a very sealed/weather stripping around the window (from both sides) this is how I managed to finally be able to dry laundry again. I could have hung it up outside...but it can get windy and there was water drippage expected from the sky today.

Maybe I'll update in a few weeks if the baby birds managed to survive and find their way out of our dryer duct. I think that when we replace the outiside vent thingy, we will also try to get one that is much more bird proof.

It made it to Ohio and back for Mother's Day Weekend/Anniversary, and was JUST FINE.

We went to church this morning and heard another fabulous sermon, from which i will be adding to my favorite quotes "Humility earns a hearing" (referencing Daniel and his politic self of Daniel 1) We had a yummy lunch with our engaged friends and Jason who is back in town. We finally decided to head back home, and lo and behold. The Camry won't start. In fact, it adds to the glory of not starting by having the "defunct" alarm system announcing to us and the world around that it will not start. Thankfully, we chose to have lunch at a restuarant within a reasonable exercise of walking distance from home. So Josh and I walk back, get the 4RUnner, try to jump the car and other things and are giving up on it and will get it back to the mechanic tomorrow. All this is especially cheery as I have to be in Iowa City for a temp scoring job again tomorrow by 8:30 so he'll have to deal with the car tomorrow morning rather than me taking a day off from subbing to deal with it. So we've decided the Camry is a heathen car that is attempting to prevent us from doing more than going to church on Sunday mornings.

Friday was an interesting day of subbing. I had 2 very obnoxious classes--one of which I had to leave a half page note on and march a kid to the principal's office. On the other hand, one of the good classes had another teacher who is long-term subbing and she came by later and was a gift of encouragement to me. She was very impressed by how well I read the class and managed them and also in my teaching. The irony is that the class she saw me teach was an American History class (7th grade basics). So even as I've been very grumbly and frustrated with my hunt for a job that uses my degree, and I prayed as much Friday morning-- I was blessed with some encouragement later.

BSF has last session this coming Tuesday and it has been a good year of learning and growing for me studying the life of Moses. I am so very excited for next year as we'll be going through the book of John!!!!! and I'll also mostly like be a children's leader so that really adds to the growth and learning factor.

Well, I need to be off pretty quick here for a tutoring job I have this afternoon. (Test Prep season is back in session until June 13th test day) I hope to be able to put some more thoughts into writing about this morning's sermon and also about BSF. We'll see...it's going to be another busy week and we need to get the house (mostly downstairs) cleaned up a bit before having guests for Memorial Day weekend.

At least I'll get to count sub experience as teaching experience when I reach the 120 day mark (that would be next year....).

The future remains for me to be surprised by God :-)

I'll be scoring again for a nearby company in a couple of weeks which will carry me nicely into a little bit of summer and maybe help me get another summer scoring job afterwards. We'll see. God is the Great Provider.

In other news, my little garden doesn't look to be requiring much watering from me anytime soon as the rain just keeps coming every other day or so.... It's amazing how quickly overcast skies get old... I know some people are a bit on edge if it keeps up after last year's flooding....especially as the river is definitely getting high. (That's natural...it crests a few times every spring)

Anyways. That's about all for updating my life. I was quite pleased to discover that I could plant columbines up here and and thus have a nice reminder of my family out west in the Columbine State. I wonder if I could get Bluebonnets to survive up here.....

I'll get picture up on the next sunny day....