The antacid medicine, once I figured out how to best give it to her, has helped a lot. She doesn't scream as long in the evening and she's more consolable. Especially once I figured out she is apparently sensitive to dairy in my diet. :( No lattes or ice cream for me for awhile.--although she doesn't seem to have too much issue with cheese. (I need to try soy out to see if that's problematic also...I may also have to give up caffeine again. For as little as I have each day, it's hard to tell--plus I only figured out the dairy issue this week so I have to give her a couple of days for that to work out of her system.)

I laughed every time someone mentioned how tiny she looked, until I saw a couple of new little ones at Mommy & me and realized how tiny they looked to me compared to my 25", almost 13# baby!

I also have come to realize, that like women's clothing sizes, baby clothing sizes vary brand to brand--even when you go by the weight/length approximations. Also, plastic tags are even more annoying on baby toys, washcloths, and clothes. How many are needed to attach things together! Geez!

I've also decided in the last month to not search/apply for any full-time teaching jobs next year. I love our days together. God will provide for us through the occasional freelance work and the part-time tutoring.

How many of you more "pro-math" (those who enjoy math/took Calculus in college) people out there remember doing math as a little kid? I learned out to play Rummi-Kub with my dad and grandpas at the age of 5 I think. I learned about doubling recipes to make cookies or cupcakes and cut coupons for my mother, also going shopping with her to point out to her what coupons could be used.

For my more.... anti-math (those who were glad to only have one math course in college)...friends, what do your remember about your childhood and working with numbers?

Lots and lots of burp rags.

Baby bathtub. Especially for the wriggly baby.

Small lightweight cotton receiving blanks for bathing baby in. (Swaddle bathing for the win!...although we don't swaddle bathe since Grace prefers to kick the water around)

Gas drops. (store brand versions work just fine)

Forehead thermometer. I found a neat one at Wal-Mart for $10 "Temporal artery"

Swing. So I can eat and take showers.

2.7 oz bottles.

Nursing tank/cami and V-neck shirts made of stretch material.

Nursing cover. Because baby likes to kick just a blanket off... Plus, the cover is great to wear over her when she's in the harness and we're out in the sun.

Swaddle-Me. The First-years swaddler does not work as well on our long-legged kicky baby. But the Swaddle-Me version is great because she can kick within a limited boundary and still keep her legs warm.

Boppy pillow. So many uses!

What to Expect the First Year book. Very nicely balanced book with tons of useful information.

Mobile with music. I'm wishing I had invested in the one that makes light patterns now...but Grace turns her head to look at the shadows the one we have makes on the wall. At least, I think that's what she does...

Harness. Great for large-quantity shopping since the car seat doesn't fit on most shopping carts well and putting it in the cart doesn't leave a lot of room for groceries.

Support groups: Mommy & me and breastfeeding. Lactation consultants are full of wonderful information and the groups give good practice for getting out with baby. Also, make new friends!

last two nights: 2 A.M. wake-time, or cuddle with mommy time. Not sure. Didn't go to sleep for 2 hours. Yet, she does go right to sleep without a fuss at bedtime... we both have been taking morning/afternoon naps. --Note: she does do wake-times during the day, sometimes content. This 2 AM issue is a rather recent problem because she had been doing pretty well going right back down after feedings. In fact, she usually falls asleep pretty fast after the 2 AM feeding, but then wakes up about 5 minutes after I put her down. Because sleeping in her bed is not as awesome as sleeping Mommy's arms.

Gassiness.

Spit-up. especially when in fresh clothes. Rather like wetting/dirtying a fresh diaper...

Grabbing Mommy's shirt when hungry or about to be put down.

Grace is now just shy of 6 weeks old and has been gaining about a half a pound of week. She really likes food. If she's hungry, she'll take it however it's offered...even cold from the bottle, although that's not her preferred way to eat. We've been mastering the art of trying to spend time together/and me get someTHING done during the day while Josh is away at work. I usually don't get much done other than taking care of her... since she has digestive issues that mean at some point in the day the only way she is soothed is to be held tightly. These days won't last forever though and I'm sure a day will come when I miss her wanting to be held by me.

Her wake times are a bit more constant and consistent...although much of our wake time seems to be spent fussing. However, she does occasionally like to lay and listen/watch her mobile, look in the mirror, and sometimes will lay on her tummy and practice lifting her head. Really, she works those muscles more when she's on my shoulder being burped. Because burping is not eating...we're still trying to help her understand that taking a break to burp will help her tummy feel better and make more room for food. I think she's starting to figure it out.

She seems to really enjoy being in her car seat as long as she's fed. It actually seems to help her since being elevated helps her work out the gas. She takes her best naps in the car seat... Sleeping...we have good nights and bad nights. Generally she gets up once or twice depending on what time she last ate and if she's going through a growth spurt. Sometimes she goes right back down without fussing, sometimes she wants to cuddle with me in bed. We have let her cry herself to sleep a few times when she is tired and not obviously overwrought with gas or something else. (We do check on her every 10 minutes, replace her pacifier in her mouth, pick her up to calm her as needed, and keep an ear on the cries) I also let her cry in her swing when I'm desperately in need of food/bathroom/whatever...and so far she cries for about 5 minutes and then there is this sudden silence and she is asleep... It's hard, but I know it's necessary at times in order for both of us to get rest and food. If I don't get rest/food, she isn't going to get good quality milk.

I have to return to work part-time next week (well, work that is not from home) and I'm actually mildly sad that I have to even though it's only for 5 weeks. I know Josh is mildly terrified at the though of being alone with her for 4 hours...and during a common fussy time at that.

She hasn't responsively smiled yet, but I think it's coming. Well, I need to take a shower while I can... maybe I'll manage another post at some point with Mother's Day. We'll see. I also need to write thank-you notes (not easy to do when she's being held...) and do a bit of house-cleaning.

Use the restroom when baby starts exhibiting wake-up for feeding cues.

Keep water bottle full and close by at all times.

Take it slow.

Pray lots. God even hears the little prayers such as "please let her stay asleep. please"

Sleep when able. Ask Josh to take baby away if needed.

Swings are necessary items to have. So are pacifiers. (I realize they recommend holding off for 4 weeks if BF, but we were desperate...and she hasn't exhibited any problems with latching or sucking during feeding, especially as evidence by her weight gain.)

My parents are awesome. and that's an understatement for all they did for us last week. My dad fixed stuff around the house and my mom caught up our laundry, dishes, and general house-cleaning. We'll never be able to pay them back...hopefully we'll be able to do the same for Grace many years in the future as they have done for us.

She seems to have fallen into a 2.5-3 hour feeding schedule, so that's been nice, and every once in awhile she'll sleep for 3 hours at night. I take the little blessings where I can get them. She's also starting to pick up fussy times--the hardest ones are the 11:00 at night ones where we both just want to sleep and she does too, but she fights it. Josh was a champ last night, letting me doze while he worked at soothing her. I know at some point we'll have to let her probably cry it out...but that "late" at night... my nerves just can't handle it. I just hope she doesn't get attached to any sort of sleep prop dependent on us...but since she generally still goes down okay during the day without anything more than a pacifier or the occasional swing time, it seems to be okay right now.

The night before you were born was long as I kept having contractions and had trouble sleeping longer than 30 minutes or so at a time. The morning was nice after they broke my water and gave me the epidural, I dozed for a couple of hours until about noon when amazingly enough, I was ready to give birth. We started the pushing process a little bit sooner because you're heart rate started to slow as you began your "descent." I had to have oxygen, which was rather nice to have for pushing. Pushing wasn't the long process I had been warned of...it was rather easy with epidural and I just seemed to know what to do. You came rather quickly. I wasn't even aware that I tore and needed stitches, which was rather nice.

Day 1: I stared in wonder at this little sticky person laying on my tummy...amazed that you were really mine. You didn't really come out looking like I expected--you actually had hair and it was dark. You did come out rather long though. You responded to my voice so quickly and daddy's too. I didn't have any magical feelings the first time we put you to my breast, but we did discover you had a nice strong suck and latch. I was pleased to see how you responded to Daddy's voice and calming hold. The first hours passed in a surreal like state, with frequent checks. You had your first bath last night and didn't seem too impressed with it. The first night was rough though--I learned about "cluster feeding" as you would wake up and want to eat every hour or so. It was exhausting and I felt very overwhelmed at the thought of the just the next 24 hours. "Am I really ready for this?" "I thought newborns were sleepy-heads..." I started praying for just little bits of peace...and God provided. It was funny when you got distracted by Daddy's snoring. I also discovered that even an hour of sleep can go a very long way. The nurse came in after you fell asleep on my shoulder and offered to take you to the nursery so I could get a longer stretch of sleep. You went down so easily, I accepted and off you went. It felt good to sleep, although I started to miss you and be anxious to have you back after just a couple of hours. I knew I needed a bit of time to help myself heal though. We talked to lots of people, although Daddy did most of the communicating. The doctor saw you in the morning and pronounced you to be perfectly healthy.

Day 2: Grandma and Grandpa got in just before you turned exactly 1 day old. I was beginning to realize I was going to be very very grateful to have help for the first week. They stuck you heel for routine blood draw and you became very unhappy. I was mentally on edge to hear you cry so, but I knew you needed this done. You were still cluster feeding away, but the nurse told me that was good because it meant milk would come in faster. I was also becoming grateful that we had another day in the hospital just for my mental recuperation. It was beginning to feel impossible to have any moments to eat or use the restroom since you kept wanting to eat and eat. We sent you to the nursery again for a few hours this night and then you came back rather hungry. The night went a little bit more smoothly, although you were still cluster feeding. I was beginning to feel a lot better in the morning about being a mommy and was beginning to feel anxious about getting home so you could have a little more peace from pokes and prods. You had jaundice and they had to do another long heel stick where they kept squeezing and squeezing. We left the hospital before lunch and you liked the car ride. You really like movement.

Day 3: Home. It was nice to be somewhere comfortable and introduce you to your new surroundings, especially on such a beautiful spring day. Grandma and Grandpa went shopping and you and I napped the afternoon away. You love snuggling on my shoulder or in Daddy's arms. You aren't a fan of diaper changes though. You're eating schedule is slowly starting to regulate, and my milk was in and you seemed much happier with this. We survived our first night, although you had me get up many times. Frequent diaper changes in the night are rough, but this will get better with time I know. And I didn't sleep through any of your crying, so that's good, but I am still so exhausted. We had to take you to the doctor for another heel stick to make sure your jaundice wasn't getting worse. I was really nervous having you in a pediatricians office with sick children going down the hall. After we got home you snuggled on my shoulder for a nap. You did well during the day but at night you got really fussy. I left you upstairs with the family while i took an early evening nap and you did well with Grandma and Daddy.

Day 4: The neighbors T.P.ed our yard and put up balloons, signs, and a little bunny to welcome you to the neighborhood. People honked as they drove by on their way to the school down the street. You slept a little better, giving me more than an hour of sleep at time. The home visit nurse came by and helped us get better at breastfeeding, as well as providing us with lots more information for us to sort through and begin to process. Grandma and Grandpa are such a huge help--preparing all sorts of good meals, giving us a bit of a break, and Grandpa has done numerous home repairs around the house.

Day 5-6: The days are starting to blur together. you only woke up once in the night (between midnight and 7). I was slightly nervous, but decided to take it as a blessing. You did eat more frequently during the day and had another fussy time at night. You like your new swing and we went on a walk one afternoon when it wasn't so windy. I'm starting to have more energy and feel slightly more confident about this motherhood thing. It's also been interesting just to note my increased paranoia, protectiveness. Wanting to keep you safe from that creepy kid we passed by on the sidewalk and hoping the spiders and ladybugs don't pester you in the house.

It's slowly becoming more real that I am a mother...for the rest of my life. This isn't temporary. I'm already sensing a growth closer to God--and gratitude for his answers to even menial prayers for a little bit of sleep. I begin to grasp His perfection as I realize what an imperfect parent I am and will be, but God is OUR perfect Father. You are so needy an totally dependent on me, even as we should be with Him.

This last week, I'm beginning to understand how God is working in me through the study of John. It makes me nervous--but that's part of what God is also working on. God is teaching me about reliance on Him and assurance in Him even amidst deep suffering. Hence, it makes me nervous to think that God is preparing me to rely on him in suffering.

However, God has been good to me to give me a glimpse into what he's preparing me for. I don't know specifics, but He preparing me as a God-fearing mom. Motherhood is not all sunshine and daisies. And there is more suffering than just poopy diapers and lack of sleep. There's also going to be times of sickness and times of letting go and letting God. God is giving us this little girl, but she is His and he can bring her to himself at anytime. That's the hardest one for me to accept. I dearly hope I don't have to know that pain but all I can do is trust God and know that whatever pains of motherhood come to me, God is with me and is working in me and in my baby's life for His glory.

Warning: rant about Pat Robertson to follow

I was driving home tonight from AWANA listening to Wally on our awesome local Christian station, The Spirit (89.1). Wally Rocks! Anyways, he was talking about Haiti and then was honest about his opinions about Pat Robertson's comments on the Haiti earthquake--the comments that put the tragedy as a consequence to some "pack with the devil" made LONG LONG ago. A pact that he knows about how? Really?

link to youtube of robertson's comments

Really? Since when are we to cast judgement on others and speak for God(other than using the Bible)? unless Pat Robertson is claiming to be a prophet... Not all tragedy is the result of sin! Remember the story of the blind man in John 9 . The man's lifelong blindness was NOT the result of sin, it was the intended for God's glory. Off the top of my head, I cannot think of ONE instance in the Gospels where Jesus casts judgement on someone's personal tragedy. He does cast judgement on the money-changers and thieves in the temple, but he only ever demonstrates COMPASSION in all other situations, even on the woman who the Jewish leaders brought to Him--testing him--to try and have her stoned for adultery. (John 8)

Yes, there are earthly consequences to sin. and we know from the Bible that God does cast judgment through his forces of nature on nations because of sin. (Old Testament and Revelation) But he commands us to LOVE and not judge in the New Testament--to live as JESUS lived. We can only speak with God's authority through the HIS WORD, the Bible and we should be using the Bible not to cast judgement but to show God's compassion and love, especially on the great many who are suffering in Haiti right now.

I follow the difficult lives of two acquaintances of mine, each who have a 2 year old with special physical needs. One acquaintance had a son born with spinal bifida and the other had a daughter born with arthrogryposis. I've read about their experiences over their last two years and theirs are truly stories of God granting grace and strength, wisdom, patience, and love and so much else to deal with the hospital, fight the system when needed and struggle as their children went through surgeries. I also have a cousin who fostered and then adopted a deaf-child, and less than a year after adoption they found out their child has a terminal illness. The power of God in their lives and through them is such an amazing thing.

Right now, I am doing a long-term substitute paraeducator position in a small classroom for children with autism who need extra help with behaviors before transitioning (hopefully) back to the normal school setting. These kids, who range in age, generally demonstrate the social-coping mechanisms of 2-4 year olds.... While there are some sad stories of parenting... there is one set of parents who have a particularly difficult and aggressive child, who demonstrate such patience and understanding, yet also the needed firmness and structure--even when they themselves are feeling sick. I can only imagine the overwhelming thoughts they must have day to day...while their son has made remarkable strides in the last year...from about a 2 year old to a 3 or 4 year old... it's overwhelming to consider his future-- and to hope for such different things as parents hope for a child without special needs.

God bless them all many times over!

"If you don't see the real me
You won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness
You won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see

Let the light escape from this hole inside my soul
When I start to break then grace begins to flow
Let the light escape from this lonely place inside my soul
Honestly"

Here are part of the lyrics form "The Words I Would Say"
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Definitely going to have to check out more of their other songs.

While freelancing could very well be a job that disappears as suddenly as it appeared, we hope and pray that it stays around because it would make it very easy for me to be a stay-at-home but working mother next year. We are trusting in God's provision and timing as we await our future little blessing.

It's also been nice to have the current projects I'm working on rather than subbing just yet because well, I don't have morning sickness...I have afternoon sickness. Plus I now know just what is meant by "growing a baby is exhausting." So working it home makes it easier for me to still get stuff done while slowly eating a cracker at a time. I have to admit, I could have it much worse because I do get the occasional good day in there where I can get some food with more substance than crackers down for lunch and/or dinner. So God's perfect timing shows once again.

A little over a year ago, I moved to Iowa and arrived making it into town less than 18 hours before the last route into Cedar Rapids was closed. The move is a story of God's provision in itself--Josh offered a job that actually uses and pays for his college degree, and just all the details working together and his choosing an apartment that would not be in the flooded section of town. Not to mention arriving somewhere where we already had many friends who were blessing in helping us unload our furniture and many boxes of books into a storage unit.

We arrived into town before I had yet received a job. I was still hopeful as it was only early summer and my paychecks would continue through August. I was offered the exciting position in educational publishing at the end of June and started in July. It wasn't teaching, but I soon discovered the perks of a non-teaching position and how I really thought I had found my own little niche in mathematics curriculum.

We were provided a house after our first offer fell through and the one in which we live went on the market just days before we were to tour another set of houses. Our wonderful friends helped us again in August as we moved in and life was promising through the fall months. We even committed ourselves to never charging to credit cards and pulling ourselves out of debt through the Dave Ramsey plan. And then came November. I was only slightly nervous about my job after some company-wide meetings the month before and with the promised "consultant" touring the business to offer suggestions. I hadn't been in the professional world long, but there was a touch of trouble on the horizon but our managing editor tried to assure our department that he doubted ours would be touched much.

The week before Thanksgiving I received the email to attend a meeting. I knew as soon as I opened it. I didn't expect it to be so immediate though. But I had a bit of peace because I knew God would provide for us and I still had my teaching certificate. I could sub if nothing else.

And so God provided the subbing and tutoring that carried us through winter and spring. I can count 7 school days where I did not sub out of the semester. More doors opened in April as I was able to take on a temporary scoring position at ACT, and one where I proved adept enough to be offered another position that would bring me into summer. Subbing wasn't going to be available in the summer, but scoring was. At the same time, the wonderful coworker who pointed me towards the tutoring job also provided my email to my former bosses-- who in May found out they too were losing their jobs as the Iowa base of the company was being shut down. Somewhere along in there they had gotten started with another education publishing company who had very similar projects based in Massachusetts. They started an Iowa based company and were looking for freelancers. Just as my last scoring position at ACT was ending in July with no apparent income until September and subbing--I was offered first a quick editing project and then an long-term write a workbook project that had a very nice pay attached to it. God had provided.

It worked out well that at the time I started freelancing, Josh started working later hours and therefore I could work more or less undistracted in the evenings and sleep until late morning as I work better later in the day. And ACT prep tutoring started again with the first time September test date in Iowa and would provide me biweekly income again in August while I finished my project. In fact, for the first time, I had to turn someone down because I could not fit any more people into my schedule (I have 9 different prep sessions in a given week, each session 2 hours)

While we've only just barely had enough to make ends meet this summer, we've been able to make all our necessary payments and eat and be sheltered. We broke down and had to charge twice to put gas in the car due to bad timing of bill-paying and checks depositing (read, our bad budgeting), but we have learned and God is definitely keeping us afloat.

And as my first major project has come to an end, I've been offered two extra projects that will keep be busy until mid-September. I'll be able to only part-time sub as I am able after this week and be able to be choosy about days and jobs I take on at first.

This is only the bare outline of God's provision in the major details of our lives. I rest my hope in Him, and while I will not rest my hope that this freelancing will be a definite career of working at home--I know God will provide as He wills for my life, for our life as a family.

God is so VERY VERY GOOD.