Today, as I was pondering uncertainty and reminding myself to trust in God for He wants me to Need Him and to trust Him because He is the Great Provider, this song came on:
Daylight, by Remedy Drive
"Has everything you've counted on
Left you right here with no warning
Have your dreams become invisible
Wait with me dear till the morning
Light will make the night burnout
Hold on - daylight is coming
Daylight is coming to break the dawn
Daylight is coming
The brightest stars are falling down
Is hope lost in the black skies
The darkness must precede the dawn
Hold on till the sunrise
Light will make your night fade out "
Which pretty much sums up my life at the moment as I feel like my career dreams have been locked away. However, even as the summer has no opportunities for subbing, I did find out today that I thankfully do have another scoring project that to line me up through mid-July--expected to end just before my required teacher class for "standard" certification in Iowa starts. So now I have plans through July. God provides again.
I'm reminded of my BSF Life of Moses study this last year. Moses was told what plans God had for him to lead Israel out of Egypt--but many things did not seem to go quite as planned and Moses had to rely on God for many a roadblock. But in the end, God used Moses exactly as He had prepared Moses and told him. I know that God has molded and shaped me into a math teacher. I have now learned that my supposed "job guaranteed" degree, isn't so guaranteed because God is taking me through this stage for something. I don't know why yet, but there is a reason--maybe only to teach me to rely on Him. But experience has taught me there are usually also much bigger goals underlying stages of trouble.
I am going to hold on to the dreams God gave me. I am going to fight the discouragement borderline depression that Satan tries to drag me down with. But I'm only going to be doing so because God is doing the holding and the fighting--much like He fought for the Israelites many times. If I am never a teacher again--I know God is preparing me to be happy and serving Him doing something else.
Closed Doors get discouraging. I know and trust for God to bring me to where he wants me to be career-wise, but having doors closed again and again, and having doors not even open gets frustrating and discouraging. I wonder what's wrong with me? What is screaming "epic fail" on my applications? Am I not doing enough? Am I not trying hard enough? Do I really have to keep applying for positions 45 minutes away and be shut out by them also?
I want to do what I love--math education. Whether it be teaching, or working behind the scenes to develop assessment and curriculum, my love is math education.
I'm doubting myself. I'm scared I'll never get another chance as it seems my career passion slowly slips away.
I know God will encourage me again very soon. I know he's preparing me every moment in every day for that open door. But it doesn't necessarily make me feel any better at the moment.