what inspired the early morning introspection, I don't know.
I was just thinking this morning about myself and friends and suddenly I began to think that I have a fear of rejection--based on past experience and thus irrational fears at times.
When I was younger, I tried to be friends with various school persons and wasn't accepted--somehow I was too smart or wasn't cool enough--wasn't preppy enough. I'm still grateful to God that I had my wonderful group of friends from church! (Love you Lady!)
In college, I started to overcome a shyness that developed as a teenager because of great college friends from my freshman year on. I didn't get close to everyone, but they helped me overcome a lot of things. It was possible to be me and to laugh with others at myself than have people laugh at me while I was hurt.
I'm not a natural idea-giver and go-getter at talking to people or calling them up because I've had bad experiences with this before, and I really do have this shyness--which means it's hard to maintain some of my friendships that have developed because I'm scared to do much. I'm so scared of things falling away over time that I don't do anything because I fear being hurt.
It also doesn't help that I discovered there isn't a perfect friendship except the one we have with Our Father Savior Encourager. I discovered this shortly after being married last year when I was intentionally excluded from a rather big thing...and when I tried in my bumbling way to express this hurt, I was given excuses and general pats on the back, but no direct apologies. It made me an outsider to a wonderful group of people. There I was again, feeling rejected and all the past stumbling blocks to me making an effort to be a part og a group came back. because I realized they didn't know me very well at all, nor I them. and now I feel this as I only get occasional news. I just have to pick up my phone and call...but I feel like I can't...and I'm afraid to.
I MUST ADMIT that part of the feeling that I can't is I also have this natural bent of wanting things to be "fair" and all parties to put in equal effort at things. But I realized this morning that maybe the effort has been equal because I've done little. Vicious cycle. and now, on top of this rather personal...and it's funny how I feel selfish after these kind of posts of "I...I...I"...I'm going to type out a prayer request.
Posted by Anna at September 30, 2006 09:15 AM | TrackBack