February 20, 2005
State of My Thoughts
*Note regarding this post - I post it because it is part of my current state of mind. I post it for the odd person who may be feeling the same thing. I don't pretend that the thinking is clear, or good. I do not claim this as a good post ... I've just tried to make it an honest one. I intend to further some of my thoughts and introspection later, and I may be able to re-work the post into something better.*
I don't know what God's doing in my life. My depression is as deep as it's ever been (though at the moment, I have a brief respite since I've done my homework for tomorrow). My devotional and prayer life is flickering on again, off again. I don't know what it is I want anymore, and I've never hated myself as deeply. I've never felt so useless to the outside world, nor so consumed with my inner struggles. I've never felt so unsure of who I am or what I desire and what I should do. As my depression becomes more and more chronic, I'm think more and more seriously about seeing a psychiatrist.
But what in the world am I going to say? My only grounds for depression is my all-consuming sense of ... well, I usually say failure, but I'm not sure it's the right word. That's a huge part of the problem - I don't know what the problem is! I know bits and pieces of it, but nothing hard, nothing concrete, nothing sure. Depression overwhelms when I look at the long list of "oughts." I ought to do my homework. I ought to write my friends. I ought to look for work. I ought to do this. I ought to do that. Part of me wants to scream to the world I don't want to hear another "should" for the rest of my life!!!. What part of me wants more than anything else is for tomorrow to never come. I don't want to face it. I want it indefinitely prolonged, or even abrogated. If tomorrow never comes, I never have to face my "oughts".
One way out of the depression is simply to just stop whining and GO TO WORK!!!. But I don't want to do any bloody work! I'm sick of working. I'm sick of doing the things I should. I just want to kick back, relax, and do nothing again ever. I swear, when I get to heaven, I will do NOTHING FOREVER.
No, of course that isn't true. But since part of me wants to say that, I let it out, so that I can put it down and study it. I know that everybody gets tired of working, that everybody wants to quit at some time or other. But I don't want it to be that simple. I don't want to believe that all this pain and suffering and depression I'm going through is simply a standard case of laziness.
