December 26, 2004

"Has the baby Jesus been born in your heart today?"

Well, it's been far too long since I've posted. Stuff has happened around here. You know, like Christmas. A post on that is forthcoming, I promise. But now, I present you with a new round of Southern Pastor Quotations!

I think I'll begin with the few that I have from last week, the 19th. I was running sound, so no one except one of my friends could see me cringe every time the pastor said "cain't," or "see-in." Aside from the accent, I have several wonderful quotations from the service.

  • "Jesus wasn't born in palaces..." I certainly hope not. I hope Jesus wasn't born in (multiple) stables. That would be weird. (As a clerical note, I often just record the fun part, using ellipses liberally.)
  • "Happiness; it's the word happenstance." I can see where he's going with this, but he just doesn't get there. How sad.
  • "'For God so loved the world that he gave,' that's Christmas! He gave! "his only begotten son..." Okay, so this one's not so entertaining.
  • At one point he mentioned the "bondage of see-in and the depths of hail." I'm not quite sure what he's talking about.
Last Sunday night, the children put on a musical, and I had to attend because the adult choir was singing a couple of songs. At the end, the pastor stood up to give a "benediction" (read: three-minute message and call for unbelievers) in which he said, "Has the baby Jesus been born in your heart today?" Yeah.

Move forward to this morning. This morning was quite a bit better. Or worse, depending on your point of view. Bonus points if you can figure out the point of the message.

  • "Did any of you see, on channel 10 o'clock, It's a Wonderful Life?"
  • "You cannot almost have Christmas without watching It's a Wonderful Life." I'm glad my pastor has his priorities straight.
  • While explaining the movie, "George Bailey plays James Stewart..."
  • "I wanna ask you this past year, this past year did you...?" All too common grammatical slip-up.
  • "Drugs leads to heartache; drugs leads to divorce." And there's another.
  • On the Bible: "You're going to read it every day, you're going to eat it..."
  • On skiing: "Skiing is not easy; it is a hard and difficult sport." This statement has been approvingly approved by the Department of Redundancy Department.
  • "This is not a rejection of human intellectual attainment." Ironic.
  • "The entire book of Proverbs, by the way, is about the fear of the Lord." Especially that last chapter.
  • "Do you know how ... you kneel at the manger scene and kiss the face of the baby Jesus ...? You honor God by honoring him with your wealth." Yep, he's a Baptist.
  • "You may have to take something out and use it on their backside! This is the word of God!" No, this is not a liturgical church.
  • "I tell them I love them and they embrace me; that's called a relationship."
  • "Everywhere the eye could see, there was snow everywhere. It was the most whitest and most beautiful thing."

Tune in next week for another exciting round of Southern Pastor Quotations!

Posted by Gallagher at December 26, 2004 11:40 PM